As my smile faded, I felt the hate burn down my spine.
I watched my face twist from sadness to furry
my eyes stopped shinning
Each day became tiresome, every move I made was terrible and wrong.
It wasn't just my home, it was my life, it was me, that was wrong.
I was careful not to care, and observed my surroundings.
If I cared too much about something, she'd take it.
TV, movies, books, sketchbooks, friends, and even my hair.
She took it, because she didn't like seeing me smile
so my smile faded
A little at a time, each day brought a new game to play
and each day I'd loose,
each day I'd hope he'd take my side, and save me
and each day I was wrong, so each night I suffered
Soon there was nothing left to take, so she turned to violence
Her hand came across my mouth, the taste of blood on my lip
she pinned me to the wall to scream in my face
tell me I wasn't beautiful, tell me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was
She wanted to break me, she almost did.
I fought back. I fought back hard. but not smart
I punch and kicked her, I punched and kicked my screen window until it broke free of its frame
Just when I thought I'd never get rid of her, my Dad found out she was cheating
and kicked her out. But insisted she stay for Christmas. So I bought her a Cinnamon Bun Candle, and she is allergic to Cinnamon.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
She did something
Mugshot
That is the idea for our book. Dalten and I are going to write it. I want to think Tyler and nick will have a part in it, but honestly I'm not sure they would even be interested.
James might have a story to tell as well.
It's funny. Secretly I always wanted to be "normal" because I thought the more normal I was the closer I would be to having a normal life. You know like grow up with both parents AND your siblings. I'm starting to come to the realization that my hate for my mother was less for me and more for Dalten. I was always so sad that I did not have a mother, and I really can't explain that pain but I can tell you that seeing my little brother in so much pain is very hard. I think it hurts worse knowing that I wasn't there while he was being abused by his step dad. It's bizarre because around that time I was also dealing with an abusive step mom. It would have been so much better if we were together.
Dalten was living with our younger brother at the time, and seeing them now it is so evident that they love and look out for each other. I'm glad that at least they had each other.
What's bothering me now is, I have no want to talk to my mother. None. I thought maybe it will be good for both of us, but I know she is still lying to me. And I can't forgive her for what she did to Dalten. At least not until he does. It's too painful to see him hurting.
I am glad his dad found him and got him away from that awful situation. The place he is at now, the people he is with are all so beautiful. I hope he sees that as much as I do. It's a miracle we all turned out ok. It's the same feeling I have towards my nanny and even my dad. My nanny is my angel. She's always been there. I think I I cried more on her shoulder than anyone else's. I love my dad more than words. I wish there was a way for him to take me away from that situation and still be close to my brothers. I'm still a bit angry that he accidentally stuck me in another bad situation but I guess accidents happen.
It's hard to think of life as it "could've been" so I try not to.
So now I wonder what life will bring. I feel so connected and I use to feel so lost.
I hope that trips out to see my family in the west becomes more of a regular thing.
It's good to dream. At age 15 I truly believed I would never see any of my brothers again. So anything can happen.
That is the idea for our book. Dalten and I are going to write it. I want to think Tyler and nick will have a part in it, but honestly I'm not sure they would even be interested.
James might have a story to tell as well.
It's funny. Secretly I always wanted to be "normal" because I thought the more normal I was the closer I would be to having a normal life. You know like grow up with both parents AND your siblings. I'm starting to come to the realization that my hate for my mother was less for me and more for Dalten. I was always so sad that I did not have a mother, and I really can't explain that pain but I can tell you that seeing my little brother in so much pain is very hard. I think it hurts worse knowing that I wasn't there while he was being abused by his step dad. It's bizarre because around that time I was also dealing with an abusive step mom. It would have been so much better if we were together.
Dalten was living with our younger brother at the time, and seeing them now it is so evident that they love and look out for each other. I'm glad that at least they had each other.
What's bothering me now is, I have no want to talk to my mother. None. I thought maybe it will be good for both of us, but I know she is still lying to me. And I can't forgive her for what she did to Dalten. At least not until he does. It's too painful to see him hurting.
I am glad his dad found him and got him away from that awful situation. The place he is at now, the people he is with are all so beautiful. I hope he sees that as much as I do. It's a miracle we all turned out ok. It's the same feeling I have towards my nanny and even my dad. My nanny is my angel. She's always been there. I think I I cried more on her shoulder than anyone else's. I love my dad more than words. I wish there was a way for him to take me away from that situation and still be close to my brothers. I'm still a bit angry that he accidentally stuck me in another bad situation but I guess accidents happen.
It's hard to think of life as it "could've been" so I try not to.
So now I wonder what life will bring. I feel so connected and I use to feel so lost.
I hope that trips out to see my family in the west becomes more of a regular thing.
It's good to dream. At age 15 I truly believed I would never see any of my brothers again. So anything can happen.
Don't look back
Today I got to see my little brother, Dalten. For the first time in 16 years. It's taking a while to set in, but in many ways I feel like we kinda picked up where we left off. Which is cool, but it's heartbreaking to know that when I leave here, it's going to be a long time until I see him again. My two older brothers are not here. They made excuses, but I know why they are not here. They are hurting in ways I can't even imagine.
I do get to finally meet my youngest brother tomorrow!
And I'm seeing Craig again finally. And meeting his wife which I will talk about tomorrow when I'm not exauhsted.
I do get to finally meet my youngest brother tomorrow!
And I'm seeing Craig again finally. And meeting his wife which I will talk about tomorrow when I'm not exauhsted.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Oh princess
But you don't know sorrow
No you don't know war.
You don't know it like I do
You don't live it like I do
People got to live like they want to
Thirsty for something new
Most if us, ain't got a clue
And nobody feels sorry for you
We will all feel differently tomorrow
But I know it won't end this sorrow
We might feel differently tomorrow
Our time is all we can borrow
The miracle of life is meant to be a fight
A struggle,
a desperate attempt to reach the light.
Our entire race has seemingly lost sight
And I know it won't change overnight
I can't say sorry princess
Because I can't decide if your ignorance
Is bliss
And I don't know if bliss... Is good or bad
And it's all so unclear, these concepts
But maybe I should feel sorry for you instead
Because you are fragile. And my world would've broke you a long time ago.
Trust me when I say,
My aftermath is a bit delusional.
No you don't know war.
You don't know it like I do
You don't live it like I do
People got to live like they want to
Thirsty for something new
Most if us, ain't got a clue
And nobody feels sorry for you
We will all feel differently tomorrow
But I know it won't end this sorrow
We might feel differently tomorrow
Our time is all we can borrow
The miracle of life is meant to be a fight
A struggle,
a desperate attempt to reach the light.
Our entire race has seemingly lost sight
And I know it won't change overnight
I can't say sorry princess
Because I can't decide if your ignorance
Is bliss
And I don't know if bliss... Is good or bad
And it's all so unclear, these concepts
But maybe I should feel sorry for you instead
Because you are fragile. And my world would've broke you a long time ago.
Trust me when I say,
My aftermath is a bit delusional.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Sometimes there is a lot to cry about
I can never express how much it hurts to be abandoned by your mother
but I do know that it hurts more knowing you've lost valuable time with people you love
I lost watching my little brother grow up.
I lost contact with everyone. My grandparents, my brothers, my step dad, my cousins
At first I blamed my dad because he moved me as far away as he could from that whole mess
but it wasn't his fault. And often I am glad I grew up away from that chaos. even if I had my own chaos here.
I remember the night my mother got arrested, after running for nearly three years.
I remember holding my little brother in my arms while he slept through it. I remember holding his ears so he wouldn't hear it. I remember the police men, the flashing lights.
We (my mother, my brother, and I) were sleeping in the same bed that night. At my grandmas house, hiding. My stepdad had left the day before to run to Salt Lake City. He got caught later that week.
I heard the door fly open to our room. I heard grandma begging the police men to be quite, because the kids where sleeping in the same bed. They were not very quiet. The light came on. My eyes had a haze on them as I tried to focus on the men that came through the door. Mom got up quickly. There were some words exchanged. Grandma asked me to roll over and go back to sleep. Why did these men want my mom so badly? Mom was told to pack socks and underwear and nothing else. She did, and then she was cuffed and escorted out of the house. I was so scared I didn't move. I wanted to get up and shout at the men, I wanted to scream. But I held onto my brother, and cried silently.
nothing was ever explained to us. I was 6, my brother was 2.
I visited mom in jail a few times, talked to her through the glass on a phone. I managed to get a few sit in visits with her. One of which she went crazy during. I said something she didn't like, and she started shouting. Before I knew what was happening two men came in the visiting room and cuffed her and took her away. I only saw her one more time after that. it was a short visit, only a few minutes. My mother told me lies about my fathers, things that would make me not trust him.
When I got home that night I told my dad what she had said. He told me then, that I would not be visiting my mother for a while.
A few weeks after that my dads mom, my nanny, came to meet me, for what I thought was the first time. I had met her as a very small child, but had no memory. She was very kind.
She stayed with us until the school year was over, and I flew back to Virginia with her. (From Montana)
My little brother was not so fortunate. Its heart breaking. Both of his parents went to jail. He had to stay with mom's mom. Mom's dad had committed suicide not long before that.
Grandma wasn't doing so well.
I remember getting on the plane, i had a baby doll in my lap, and sat in the loading room. Dalten and Grandma stood on the other side of the glass, I watched them from my seat. I kept making silly faces at Dalten to get him to smile. He'd make them back. He was holding his bear, "plaid Pete", in his arms. And had his face pressed up against the glass. Drool fell from his bottom lip and slid down the glass like a slug. Grandma held a death glare on my Nanny. She bent down and whispered something in Daltens ears. His face fell, and then tears accompanied his drool on the glass. I looked at Nanny confused. She grabbed my hand. "We have to go now, the plane is here" We stood up, I waived to Dalten then turned and walked with Nanny onto the plane.
That was the last time I saw him.
After that he lived with grandma until she died a few years later (4-5). At the time Mom had been released on good behavior and had married another man. So Dalten went to live with her. She had another child named James, I have never met him. Dalten lived with them until mom got arrested again a few years after that. (2-3) At that point I was 13. Dalten then lived with Moms husband for a few years. I am not sure what happened, I am not sure why. I had zero contact with everyone for the next three years. At age 16 I got a card from my ex-stepdad. It was a picture of him and his "new" family. Dalten was not in the picture. I suddenly realized that I had no idea where Dalten was so I contacted social services to find my little brother. He was 12 at the time. I did not know why his dad did not have him, I assumed that would be where he went, but it wasn't. Social Services located him with his Aunt Sue, Aunt Sue then told me she as trying to get Craig to take custody of him, but there were some issues. I then decided that I wanted to take custody of him, but to do so I would have to either be 18 or get emancipated. And even then it would be harder for me to get custody because I still didn't support myself. So I asked dad. But my dad was in a very dark place at this point and couldn't handle another teenager. So I contacted Craig to find out what was going on. Eventually Craig took custody and Dalten moved in with him at age 13.
Dalten is now 18, and graduating. I am finally going to get to see him after all of this. I am thrilled. But I am also sad. I know how much we missed, not being around each other. And I know he doesn't really remember me. But I hope once I see him (and the rest of my brothers!) Some of my sadness will disappear. I have been talking to my mom for the first time in 6, and actually having conversations with her, which has never happened before. So I know I am forgiving her. But I know the pain isn't going to go away. Since talking to her, and being in contact with my brothers, and arranging times to see all of them I have felt more solid, more grounded, and less chaotic. but I have also gotten older. It hurts the most when I see/hear other stories from people good and bad, but especially the bad. I hear and read stories of children who loose a parent one way or another and they talk about how they had each other, their siblings to help them pull through. And I know I had my dad, and we helped each other. But I feel different because I have all of the brothers, that went through many of the same things I did, but we didn't go through it together. So all of our stories are very different, and we are very different. And sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about what if we had all stayed together, would we still be so different?
I know the things that hurt me. And I know the things that have put dents in my mental health, my perception. I wonder how many dents they have, how much do they hurt? How much do they love?
It's not something we really talk about because its too hard.
and im a big cry baby
I can't wait to see them. I wish I knew how to act.
this is a sadness that I know will never go away
but I do know that it hurts more knowing you've lost valuable time with people you love
I lost watching my little brother grow up.
I lost contact with everyone. My grandparents, my brothers, my step dad, my cousins
At first I blamed my dad because he moved me as far away as he could from that whole mess
but it wasn't his fault. And often I am glad I grew up away from that chaos. even if I had my own chaos here.
I remember the night my mother got arrested, after running for nearly three years.
I remember holding my little brother in my arms while he slept through it. I remember holding his ears so he wouldn't hear it. I remember the police men, the flashing lights.
We (my mother, my brother, and I) were sleeping in the same bed that night. At my grandmas house, hiding. My stepdad had left the day before to run to Salt Lake City. He got caught later that week.
I heard the door fly open to our room. I heard grandma begging the police men to be quite, because the kids where sleeping in the same bed. They were not very quiet. The light came on. My eyes had a haze on them as I tried to focus on the men that came through the door. Mom got up quickly. There were some words exchanged. Grandma asked me to roll over and go back to sleep. Why did these men want my mom so badly? Mom was told to pack socks and underwear and nothing else. She did, and then she was cuffed and escorted out of the house. I was so scared I didn't move. I wanted to get up and shout at the men, I wanted to scream. But I held onto my brother, and cried silently.
nothing was ever explained to us. I was 6, my brother was 2.
I visited mom in jail a few times, talked to her through the glass on a phone. I managed to get a few sit in visits with her. One of which she went crazy during. I said something she didn't like, and she started shouting. Before I knew what was happening two men came in the visiting room and cuffed her and took her away. I only saw her one more time after that. it was a short visit, only a few minutes. My mother told me lies about my fathers, things that would make me not trust him.
When I got home that night I told my dad what she had said. He told me then, that I would not be visiting my mother for a while.
A few weeks after that my dads mom, my nanny, came to meet me, for what I thought was the first time. I had met her as a very small child, but had no memory. She was very kind.
She stayed with us until the school year was over, and I flew back to Virginia with her. (From Montana)
My little brother was not so fortunate. Its heart breaking. Both of his parents went to jail. He had to stay with mom's mom. Mom's dad had committed suicide not long before that.
Grandma wasn't doing so well.
I remember getting on the plane, i had a baby doll in my lap, and sat in the loading room. Dalten and Grandma stood on the other side of the glass, I watched them from my seat. I kept making silly faces at Dalten to get him to smile. He'd make them back. He was holding his bear, "plaid Pete", in his arms. And had his face pressed up against the glass. Drool fell from his bottom lip and slid down the glass like a slug. Grandma held a death glare on my Nanny. She bent down and whispered something in Daltens ears. His face fell, and then tears accompanied his drool on the glass. I looked at Nanny confused. She grabbed my hand. "We have to go now, the plane is here" We stood up, I waived to Dalten then turned and walked with Nanny onto the plane.
That was the last time I saw him.
After that he lived with grandma until she died a few years later (4-5). At the time Mom had been released on good behavior and had married another man. So Dalten went to live with her. She had another child named James, I have never met him. Dalten lived with them until mom got arrested again a few years after that. (2-3) At that point I was 13. Dalten then lived with Moms husband for a few years. I am not sure what happened, I am not sure why. I had zero contact with everyone for the next three years. At age 16 I got a card from my ex-stepdad. It was a picture of him and his "new" family. Dalten was not in the picture. I suddenly realized that I had no idea where Dalten was so I contacted social services to find my little brother. He was 12 at the time. I did not know why his dad did not have him, I assumed that would be where he went, but it wasn't. Social Services located him with his Aunt Sue, Aunt Sue then told me she as trying to get Craig to take custody of him, but there were some issues. I then decided that I wanted to take custody of him, but to do so I would have to either be 18 or get emancipated. And even then it would be harder for me to get custody because I still didn't support myself. So I asked dad. But my dad was in a very dark place at this point and couldn't handle another teenager. So I contacted Craig to find out what was going on. Eventually Craig took custody and Dalten moved in with him at age 13.
Dalten is now 18, and graduating. I am finally going to get to see him after all of this. I am thrilled. But I am also sad. I know how much we missed, not being around each other. And I know he doesn't really remember me. But I hope once I see him (and the rest of my brothers!) Some of my sadness will disappear. I have been talking to my mom for the first time in 6, and actually having conversations with her, which has never happened before. So I know I am forgiving her. But I know the pain isn't going to go away. Since talking to her, and being in contact with my brothers, and arranging times to see all of them I have felt more solid, more grounded, and less chaotic. but I have also gotten older. It hurts the most when I see/hear other stories from people good and bad, but especially the bad. I hear and read stories of children who loose a parent one way or another and they talk about how they had each other, their siblings to help them pull through. And I know I had my dad, and we helped each other. But I feel different because I have all of the brothers, that went through many of the same things I did, but we didn't go through it together. So all of our stories are very different, and we are very different. And sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about what if we had all stayed together, would we still be so different?
I know the things that hurt me. And I know the things that have put dents in my mental health, my perception. I wonder how many dents they have, how much do they hurt? How much do they love?
It's not something we really talk about because its too hard.
and im a big cry baby
I can't wait to see them. I wish I knew how to act.
this is a sadness that I know will never go away
Saturday, May 11, 2013
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