I met him... 3 years ago.
I don't remember it. I don't remember any significance.
I was in love with someone
my life was chaos.
names and faces, were just names and faces.
jaded
He played Umlaut, our club
on 4/20 that year.
my lover snarked at the event
saying it wasn't a big deal,
his brother was the club promoter
It felt like a pretty big deal. regardless of who was playing
He wore a mask and threw glitter in the air.
that band had it for me, thats all that mattered.
Im not sure why I went to Kirtan, I believe a friend took me
it was incredible. took my breath away.
He made that music and those chants.
I went back every time he came to town
I do not believe we were talking privately at that point. Just a Hi here and there.
But his talent stuck in my brain. I bought his CD, played it to myself.
Last Kirtan in staunton before my favorite store closed for good.
He stopped me and told me my tan looked nice
"Keep the bronze" he said.
that was it. summer 2010.
I was contacted by the city to put together a halloween show.
I combed my brain for bands.
His fell threw the cracks.
So I messaged him
he agreed.
The show was violent, fast, cold, and memorable.
The bands all got paid, prizes where given out, and happiness filled the cold air as october faded
As he was leaving I asked if he wanted to come hang out at the local bar with me and some of the others
He said no, he rode with his band, and they had to get home. But said he'd text me.
He did. He texted me while I sat with a group of people drinking water, since I was too young to have a beer. I asked if he thinks the show was a success. I asked if he'd be willing to play again. He asked how soon that would be, I told him very soon because I planned on moving away. He asked me if he wrote a song about me, would I stay? He felt like a stranger, but he wanted me to stay close. So I agreed, thinking he would never write it.
I messaged him a few more times, and checked out his facebook. Before long I found out he was married. I rolled my eyes and layed my head down on my desk. Of course he is. Of course he would hit on me, or at least of course I would think that.
A few weeks later I attended a Rave with a friend and met a guy who I would date for the next year and some odd months. A guy I would live with, and argue with. A guy would become another ex that had no hope in the eyes of an aquarian. That winter the song came out.
Make it stop
I got an email from the writer, he asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked if I read the lyrics I said yes, you talk about my ice cream cone tattoo. He said he wanted to make sure I knew he was talking about me in the song, beyond any doubt.
I shared the song with my lover. He asked me why this man wrote a song about me. I said I wasn't sure. I said I was surprised, and it was prob just an act of kindness
2011 is a blur. I moved 3 times. My lover changed jobs 3 times. life was chaotic. But we had a plan, a plan to run away together. I did not talk to the song writer very much during this time. but he would poke me on facebook. and message me "why don't you poke back?" And I'd tell him, I don't play silly games.
At the end of 2011 He asked me to be in his first music video. And showed me what I had to do. I agreed, said it would be pretty exciting. My lover was less enthused. We were already having problems.
But he brought me coffee at the shoot anyway.
The shoot was smooth, and quick. JJ did not speak to me much. He was busy being the producer. His wife was there. I met her before briefly, but actually got to see her more here. she was mousy, and bossy. An aquarian like myself, but drastically different. Us aquarians. you never know with us.
A few months later the video debut was scheduled to be at our club. Everyone came out. My lover and I were on the outs. He had much baggage, and things to figure out in life. And I was coming out of a very dark phase in mine. I knew we'd part ways soon. I looked up to the DJ booth while the video was being played for everyone to see. I saw the song writer and his wife standing next to each other. I thought to myself. that is something I will never have. Im not meant for that. I slowly started accepting that I will be "alone" for one reason or another.
A month later it happened. We mutually agreed it was over. it had been over for a long time. He was jobless again. so I told him he could stay the remainder of the lease. He declined. and left a few weeks later. He would slowly come get his stuff. I transferred the bills in my own name. I celebrated my new freedom with a motorcycle. Riding through the streets underneath the street lights. Breathing the warm summer air.
Nights were hard. No one else in my house.
no one to talk to
weekends were harder. The problem getting older is that you stop doing a lot of things. for whatever reason. You start to opt to stay home and not go out.
I didn't want to be asked questions
and I most certainly did not want to be hit on.
I had emailed the song writer a few weeks after the debut, asking how he was. And he asked me to make a deal with him. If I send him unpublished pictures from my modeling, he would send me exclusive material from his band. unfinished songs, lyrics, demos, anything.
I agreed.
but then he disappeared.
a few months went by and I emailed him asking if he was ok.
he replied that he would be ok, eventually. and hoped life was treating me well.
One night that august I sat at my computer flipping through new pics from a very loved photographer. They were nudes. They were wonderful. I had not sent him any nude photos, to respect his wife. But that night I thought... why not? its just a butt. so I sent it.
He responded very confused, and a bit shocked.
I reminded him of our deal.
Shortly after that his drummer asked me to dance at their next show.
I messaged him asking if i really could. and he said absolutely
I started attending practice.
He was not the same man from Kirtan. he was not the same man from the show
he was not the same man I emailed
He was mean
He was rude
and he was unhappy
He played his guitar with furry
he played like he had nothing to loose. after the final rehearsal he made a comment
"real love doesn't exist, not for everyone, not here"
he had been talking a little about what was going on with his wife.
just bits and pieces.
I told him I hoped wrong. It just doesn't find everyone at the same time.
He laughed. his band laughed and I went home
I started messaging him. thoughts and ideas, theories and questions
Soon we were messaging everyday. then most of the day everyday.
And then the show happened. I danced, he sang, the band played. as october faded...
At the very end, he dedicated a song to me to thank me for dancing for him
it was incredible.
we hung out at his place when it was over. his place bothered me. it felt like hate
it felt wrong, and it felt sad. His cat was very needing, it needed love.
I left, as I was scooting out the door he pushed two CDs into my hands. Said I should listen to them
so I did.
After that we messaged non stop. silly things. stupid things, whatever came to mind.
I met him with my best friend before umlaut one night, he kept kicking my boot under the table. He did not come to the club with us.
He started explaining what was going on with his wife. how they had been separated for a few months and were on the outs long before that. How she had kicked him out, how she cheated on him multiple times, all horrible things. All sad. But I could relate
after that things moved fast.
I started hanging out with him, and mutual friends. Making stuff, doing stuff. He moved into his new place, the first of december. I hung some of his curtains. We watched a silent film together in his raw house. Then he kissed me.
And we fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning confused. How did I fall asleep?! I found him working on music. I said thanks for not waking me up, but I have to go home now. He said ok and walked me out.
The next weekend I came up to hang out with him and our mutual friends again, but met him at his house first. We talked until the rest showed up. we all started heading to the car. He grabbed my belt loops before I went out the door and kissed me again. then said "I don't know what you are doing to me"
We stayed at our friends house, but slept seperately. it was lame
The following weekend he came down to my city. He spent the night with me, and then our mutual friends came down as well. I gave the utlimate staunton tour. It was the best day ever.
The rest is current history. but that is how it happened
No strings
No blame
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Taco night
I'm so blessed
To have two men in my life
That love me
My father, even if his ways are odd
And my significant, even if our love is strange.
My fear is that I'll disappoint them both.
If they respect me half as much as I respect them we will be in good shape.
My fear is that I can't do "taco night"
If freedom was a drug, I'd be an addict
I don't have restrictions, but I do have discipline
I'm not naive but I have trust
My fear is that after I figure out how to function as a motherless daughter
I will have to face becoming a motherless mother
And like I said, I don't do taco night
To have two men in my life
That love me
My father, even if his ways are odd
And my significant, even if our love is strange.
My fear is that I'll disappoint them both.
If they respect me half as much as I respect them we will be in good shape.
My fear is that I can't do "taco night"
If freedom was a drug, I'd be an addict
I don't have restrictions, but I do have discipline
I'm not naive but I have trust
My fear is that after I figure out how to function as a motherless daughter
I will have to face becoming a motherless mother
And like I said, I don't do taco night
Sunday, March 24, 2013
My story- the party
What happens when dreams cross over into reality?
Or visa versa
It started Halloween night. All day my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was running errands for my friends who were throwing a Halloween party that night. I had made a deal with a friend that we would both go to the party in our PJ's. The costume theme was supposed to be a "sexy" dress up party but... Defiant like we are. I wondered all day if he'd keep his side of the promise. My friend throwing the party wasn't too happy that I wasn't eager to participate in the sexy. I assured her that her costume was super sexy and anyone coming to the party that hasn't already slept with her would definitely want to. She kinda scowled at me and asked me to hang more decorations. Don't worry we are friends.
My pocket buzzed again. "When does the party start?" "Should I bring anything?" "Do I have to dress up" dammit ppl it's not even my damn party. There's only a handful of ppl I'm interested in seeing tonight, I wonder when they will show up?
I went out to grab some beer. When I came back everyone was either in the bathroom or out getting last minute stuff . All except for my ex boyfriends new girlfriend. Who had avoided me all day. The girl throwing the party had asked me to please be nice to this girl, because she was scared of ppl. When did I start hanging out with such ridiculous people. Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Poor girl us fucking a man who told me he wanted a vagina. I know how bad that sex is, talk about self loathing. So I sat down on the couch with her. "What are you watching"
"The Japanese version of the ring" "oh I've never seen it but I heard its better" "yea, what's your favorite scary movie" "I don't really have 1" then she gave me.
That look of what? A spooky without a favorite scary movie? So we ended our intelligent conversation. People started arriving. First trick or treaters. Then the party started. People brought beer, food, and of course sexy. Finally my friend in PJ's arrived with a beautiful couple. I hugged them all. The couple went downstairs and my friend in PJ's stood in front of the TV. My ex finally came out of his bedroom. Laced in a corset, wearing poorly done makeup, a mini skirt and fishnets. Telling everyone how excited he is to be transgendered. Self discovery is the most powerful thing, but I hate when it's used to classify. I wish I could say he's still in treatment, still going to a therapist, and still moving forward with his gender change. But that's the thing, he never intended too. I glanced into the living room, mr. Pj's was still watching tv. I ran up and gave him a hug from behind. I clung for a second, to the familiarity of the motion. Then said "hey let's go downstairs" we both went and I grabbed a beer and a cookie. People where dancing and we formed a dancing train. And everyone was laughing. I went and sat with Mr. PJs and a few friends. It was going to be a good night.
I got up to check out the rest of the party. People were drunk, some were high, some were sleepy. I quickly got bored and made my way back down stairs. Mr. Pj was gone. I asked a few ppl and they said he went upstairs a few minutes ago. I checked upstairs and someone said he went out the front door. So I ran out front. I didn't see anyone do I ran to the end of the road. I looked up the street and down. I didn't see anyone walking. Where the hell did he go so fast ? I texted him. He text back that he was sorry, he had to leave. And that he would explain everything later. I went back to the party. The rest of the night wasn't bad, I won funniest costume. And ran into an old ex of mine. Saw a few people I haven't seen in a while. But I can't say I wasn't bummed. The beautiful couple that came with mr. Pj decided to leave as well, feeling rather uncomfortable. Shortly after they left I left too. As sleep started to invade my thoughts.
I wanna say that the actual party was more like the dream, where we dance in the sand and run in the water. Where anyone else at the party doesn't matter.
That is what we create together, a mix. To you I'm your light to your dark. To me your my peace to my chaos. Without the balance life becomes a dark and twisted place.
Or visa versa
It started Halloween night. All day my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was running errands for my friends who were throwing a Halloween party that night. I had made a deal with a friend that we would both go to the party in our PJ's. The costume theme was supposed to be a "sexy" dress up party but... Defiant like we are. I wondered all day if he'd keep his side of the promise. My friend throwing the party wasn't too happy that I wasn't eager to participate in the sexy. I assured her that her costume was super sexy and anyone coming to the party that hasn't already slept with her would definitely want to. She kinda scowled at me and asked me to hang more decorations. Don't worry we are friends.
My pocket buzzed again. "When does the party start?" "Should I bring anything?" "Do I have to dress up" dammit ppl it's not even my damn party. There's only a handful of ppl I'm interested in seeing tonight, I wonder when they will show up?
I went out to grab some beer. When I came back everyone was either in the bathroom or out getting last minute stuff . All except for my ex boyfriends new girlfriend. Who had avoided me all day. The girl throwing the party had asked me to please be nice to this girl, because she was scared of ppl. When did I start hanging out with such ridiculous people. Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Poor girl us fucking a man who told me he wanted a vagina. I know how bad that sex is, talk about self loathing. So I sat down on the couch with her. "What are you watching"
"The Japanese version of the ring" "oh I've never seen it but I heard its better" "yea, what's your favorite scary movie" "I don't really have 1" then she gave me.
That look of what? A spooky without a favorite scary movie? So we ended our intelligent conversation. People started arriving. First trick or treaters. Then the party started. People brought beer, food, and of course sexy. Finally my friend in PJ's arrived with a beautiful couple. I hugged them all. The couple went downstairs and my friend in PJ's stood in front of the TV. My ex finally came out of his bedroom. Laced in a corset, wearing poorly done makeup, a mini skirt and fishnets. Telling everyone how excited he is to be transgendered. Self discovery is the most powerful thing, but I hate when it's used to classify. I wish I could say he's still in treatment, still going to a therapist, and still moving forward with his gender change. But that's the thing, he never intended too. I glanced into the living room, mr. Pj's was still watching tv. I ran up and gave him a hug from behind. I clung for a second, to the familiarity of the motion. Then said "hey let's go downstairs" we both went and I grabbed a beer and a cookie. People where dancing and we formed a dancing train. And everyone was laughing. I went and sat with Mr. PJs and a few friends. It was going to be a good night.
I got up to check out the rest of the party. People were drunk, some were high, some were sleepy. I quickly got bored and made my way back down stairs. Mr. Pj was gone. I asked a few ppl and they said he went upstairs a few minutes ago. I checked upstairs and someone said he went out the front door. So I ran out front. I didn't see anyone do I ran to the end of the road. I looked up the street and down. I didn't see anyone walking. Where the hell did he go so fast ? I texted him. He text back that he was sorry, he had to leave. And that he would explain everything later. I went back to the party. The rest of the night wasn't bad, I won funniest costume. And ran into an old ex of mine. Saw a few people I haven't seen in a while. But I can't say I wasn't bummed. The beautiful couple that came with mr. Pj decided to leave as well, feeling rather uncomfortable. Shortly after they left I left too. As sleep started to invade my thoughts.
I wanna say that the actual party was more like the dream, where we dance in the sand and run in the water. Where anyone else at the party doesn't matter.
That is what we create together, a mix. To you I'm your light to your dark. To me your my peace to my chaos. Without the balance life becomes a dark and twisted place.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Perception
A status on Facebook which I had decided to make a blog.
"I just realized that my life has hit an "even" point. Where for a very long time my life was full of insane highs and devastating lows, it is now "even". not saying there are not highs and lows, there still are but not as severe. Some of the reasoning behind that is that I don't let so much bother me, but at the same time my life is less chaotic and has been since early 2012. At that time I thought I was suffering from post traumatic stress or something because even if I still felt the anxious need to get things done quickly and cramming as much into my life as possible, I became more able to choose what I wanted, which seemed to free up a lot of my life. I still go through periods where I find myself taking on too much, or get wrapped up in the stress of everyday life, but it is no longer an everyday problem...."
I still panic about not having enough time and energy on a daily basis. Why can't I work 14 hours, and still look "good". As in good make up, clean clothes, good hair, healthy, well rested. Instead I work 14 hours and look like a train hit me. Even after 8 on some days I look like that. EVEN if I wake up early enough to brush my hair and throw on some eyeliner (which only happens 25% of the time)
This troubles me.
I try to fill the gaps, as in "Well I have a 40 minute drive to work, so I am going to learn german while I drive" and then I get angry when at the end of the week I don't know any more german than when I started. X_X
OR I plan my drives. If I am "heading that way anyway" I am going to stop here and here and get this and do that. AND 99% I only am able to do 50% of it, either forget the rest or run out of time and/or energy.
I hate running out of energy. and synthetic energy doesn't help much anymore. It helps once or twice a day, once I get on my third cup of coffee, or third caffeine source I crash hard.
I REALLY get irritated when people ask me what I "got going on" on the weekends. I just wanna look at them and say "Sleep" because that is ALL I THINK ABOUT
ok that is a lie, but I do LOVE sleep.
I am starting to think I am over working my brain and it is creating the illusion that I am tired, which is crushing my immune system and therefore I am sick often. *cough
So, to fix this problem I AM going to learn mediation, for real. I can't *kinda* meditate. it has to be spot on. I have to understand how to be mindful, and not mind full.
I need to balance my brain so at any given second I am not crunching numbers from bills/bank accounts/pay checks. Or I am not pricing different options for clothing, concert tickets, plane tickets, gas mileage, shoes, vehicles, etc. Or Im not planning my life out to age 60 and beyond, or Im not thinking about every art project, social project, personal project.
How do I stream line, how do I focus my aquarian brain. I use to be able to keep up with it. It was hard but I could do it. Now I can not. now the balance is off. My brain is working too fast and my life is not fast enough. My body is too tired because my mind is taking the energy my body needs to fuel it.
is this crazy?
numb and dumb
tonight-my brain-a summary
its friday night. Im too tired to do anything. Tomorrow I need to wake up before 10 so I can shower. I need to pack an overnight bag, I should pack books and paint so I can read and paint my leather jacket, I need to bring my laptop so I can write and edit, I should bring my camera as well. I need to bring emergency foods because of the event I am going to this weekend. I need to call ntelos and adjust my account, I need to get to the bank to put monies in it. I need to print my teacher bio for the wall. I would love to...
blah blah blah
writing it down helps and makes it feel like its not so much
its not.
thats the problem. it's not enough for my mind, but my mind moves so much faster than my body, and my life, and my finances (LOL)
is it like this for everyone?
"I just realized that my life has hit an "even" point. Where for a very long time my life was full of insane highs and devastating lows, it is now "even". not saying there are not highs and lows, there still are but not as severe. Some of the reasoning behind that is that I don't let so much bother me, but at the same time my life is less chaotic and has been since early 2012. At that time I thought I was suffering from post traumatic stress or something because even if I still felt the anxious need to get things done quickly and cramming as much into my life as possible, I became more able to choose what I wanted, which seemed to free up a lot of my life. I still go through periods where I find myself taking on too much, or get wrapped up in the stress of everyday life, but it is no longer an everyday problem...."
I still panic about not having enough time and energy on a daily basis. Why can't I work 14 hours, and still look "good". As in good make up, clean clothes, good hair, healthy, well rested. Instead I work 14 hours and look like a train hit me. Even after 8 on some days I look like that. EVEN if I wake up early enough to brush my hair and throw on some eyeliner (which only happens 25% of the time)
This troubles me.
I try to fill the gaps, as in "Well I have a 40 minute drive to work, so I am going to learn german while I drive" and then I get angry when at the end of the week I don't know any more german than when I started. X_X
OR I plan my drives. If I am "heading that way anyway" I am going to stop here and here and get this and do that. AND 99% I only am able to do 50% of it, either forget the rest or run out of time and/or energy.
I hate running out of energy. and synthetic energy doesn't help much anymore. It helps once or twice a day, once I get on my third cup of coffee, or third caffeine source I crash hard.
I REALLY get irritated when people ask me what I "got going on" on the weekends. I just wanna look at them and say "Sleep" because that is ALL I THINK ABOUT
ok that is a lie, but I do LOVE sleep.
I am starting to think I am over working my brain and it is creating the illusion that I am tired, which is crushing my immune system and therefore I am sick often. *cough
So, to fix this problem I AM going to learn mediation, for real. I can't *kinda* meditate. it has to be spot on. I have to understand how to be mindful, and not mind full.
I need to balance my brain so at any given second I am not crunching numbers from bills/bank accounts/pay checks. Or I am not pricing different options for clothing, concert tickets, plane tickets, gas mileage, shoes, vehicles, etc. Or Im not planning my life out to age 60 and beyond, or Im not thinking about every art project, social project, personal project.
How do I stream line, how do I focus my aquarian brain. I use to be able to keep up with it. It was hard but I could do it. Now I can not. now the balance is off. My brain is working too fast and my life is not fast enough. My body is too tired because my mind is taking the energy my body needs to fuel it.
is this crazy?
numb and dumb
tonight-my brain-a summary
its friday night. Im too tired to do anything. Tomorrow I need to wake up before 10 so I can shower. I need to pack an overnight bag, I should pack books and paint so I can read and paint my leather jacket, I need to bring my laptop so I can write and edit, I should bring my camera as well. I need to bring emergency foods because of the event I am going to this weekend. I need to call ntelos and adjust my account, I need to get to the bank to put monies in it. I need to print my teacher bio for the wall. I would love to...
blah blah blah
writing it down helps and makes it feel like its not so much
its not.
thats the problem. it's not enough for my mind, but my mind moves so much faster than my body, and my life, and my finances (LOL)
is it like this for everyone?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
What would you try if you had no fear?
FEAR IS BUILT
Where is that balance
between wanting what you want, and being happy with what you have?
Where do team work and independence collide?
When do we decide to make a change?
Do we decide to live a certain way based on ourselves or our situation?
Is all of life situational? Is making the best out of a situation the answer? To everything?
We all have options. We can do this, or we can do that. We have to commit to something to understand its good and bad points.
Nothing is "perfect" its not meant to be. I don't want to live a scenario, I want to live a dream.
If I join a team, I expect my team mates to work just as hard as I do. I fear that they won't. But I trust that they will.
I can see the life I want. But it's all relative to timing. Is it the right time to make this move? To make this change. To take this step.
Maybe I'm impatient, but is it a bad thing?
Can I make these changes with or with out other people. Unfortunately no. I have to have this team this effort. So in short I have to completely understand what I want and how I want it before I get people to join me.
Born leaders are fearless. Born leaders make decisions.
Born leaders are loved, not feared.
So build love, not fear.
Where is that balance
between wanting what you want, and being happy with what you have?
Where do team work and independence collide?
When do we decide to make a change?
Do we decide to live a certain way based on ourselves or our situation?
Is all of life situational? Is making the best out of a situation the answer? To everything?
We all have options. We can do this, or we can do that. We have to commit to something to understand its good and bad points.
Nothing is "perfect" its not meant to be. I don't want to live a scenario, I want to live a dream.
If I join a team, I expect my team mates to work just as hard as I do. I fear that they won't. But I trust that they will.
I can see the life I want. But it's all relative to timing. Is it the right time to make this move? To make this change. To take this step.
Maybe I'm impatient, but is it a bad thing?
Can I make these changes with or with out other people. Unfortunately no. I have to have this team this effort. So in short I have to completely understand what I want and how I want it before I get people to join me.
Born leaders are fearless. Born leaders make decisions.
Born leaders are loved, not feared.
So build love, not fear.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Spoiled
by love on my birthday!
from everyone,
one person is particular is unbearably cute.
I have no idea why I am in love
nope no clue
check it
http://www.oh-so.net/2013/02/13/tell-me-the-water-is-air/
from everyone,
one person is particular is unbearably cute.
I have no idea why I am in love
nope no clue
check it
http://www.oh-so.net/2013/02/13/tell-me-the-water-is-air/
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
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