As october faded.

I met him... 3 years ago.
I don't remember it. I don't remember any significance.
I was in love with someone
my life was chaos.
names and faces, were just names and faces.
jaded

He played Umlaut, our club
on 4/20 that year.
my lover snarked at the event
saying it wasn't a big deal,
his brother was the club promoter
It felt like a pretty big deal. regardless of who was playing
He wore a mask and threw glitter in the air.
that band had it for me, thats all that mattered.

Im not sure why I went to Kirtan, I believe a friend took me
it was incredible. took my breath away.
He made that music and those chants.
I went back every time he came to town

I do not believe we were talking privately at that point. Just a Hi here and there.
But his talent stuck in my brain. I bought his CD, played it to myself.
Last Kirtan in staunton before my favorite store closed for good.
He stopped me and told me my tan looked nice
"Keep the bronze" he said.
that was it. summer 2010.

I was contacted by the city to put together a halloween show.
I combed my brain for bands.
His fell threw the cracks.
So I messaged him
he agreed.

The show was violent, fast, cold, and memorable.
The bands all got paid, prizes where given out, and happiness filled the cold air as october faded
As he was leaving I asked if he wanted to come hang out at the local bar with me and some of the others
He said no, he rode with his band, and they had to get home. But said he'd text me.

He did. He texted me while I sat with a group of people drinking water, since I was too young to have a beer. I asked if he thinks the show was a success. I asked if he'd be willing to play again. He asked how soon that would be, I told him very soon because I planned on moving away. He asked me if he wrote a song about me, would I stay? He felt like a stranger, but he wanted me to stay close. So I agreed, thinking he would never write it.

I messaged him a few more times, and checked out his facebook. Before long I found out he was married. I rolled my eyes and layed my head down on my desk. Of course he is. Of course he would hit on me, or at least of course I would think that.

A few weeks later I attended a Rave with a friend and met a guy who I would date for the next year and some odd months. A guy I would live with, and argue with. A guy would become another ex that had no hope in the eyes of an aquarian. That winter the song came out.

Make it stop

I got an email from the writer, he asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked if I read the lyrics I said yes, you talk about my ice cream cone tattoo. He said he wanted to make sure I knew he was talking about me in the song, beyond any doubt.
I shared the song with my lover. He asked me why this man wrote a song about me. I said I wasn't sure. I said I was surprised, and it was prob just an act of kindness

2011 is a blur. I moved 3 times. My lover changed jobs 3 times. life was chaotic. But we had a plan, a plan to run away together. I did not talk to the song writer very much during this time. but he would poke me on facebook. and message me "why don't you poke back?" And I'd tell him, I don't play silly games.

At the end of 2011 He asked me to be in his first music video. And showed me what I had to do. I agreed, said it would be pretty exciting. My lover was less enthused. We were already having problems.
But he brought me coffee at the shoot anyway.

The shoot was smooth, and quick. JJ did not speak to me much. He was busy being the producer. His wife was there. I met her before briefly, but actually got to see her more here. she was mousy, and bossy. An aquarian like myself, but drastically different. Us aquarians. you never know with us.

A few months later the video debut was scheduled to be at our club. Everyone came out. My lover and I were on the outs. He had much baggage, and things to figure out in life. And I was coming out of a very dark phase in mine. I knew we'd part ways soon. I looked up to the DJ booth while the video was being played for everyone to see. I saw the song writer and his wife standing next to each other. I thought to myself. that is something I will never have. Im not meant for that. I slowly started accepting that I will be "alone" for one reason or another.

A month later it happened. We mutually agreed it was over. it had been over for a long time. He was jobless again. so I told him he could stay the remainder of the lease. He declined. and left a few weeks later. He would slowly come get his stuff. I transferred the bills in my own name. I celebrated my new freedom with a motorcycle. Riding through the streets underneath the street lights. Breathing the warm summer air.
Nights were hard. No one else in my house.
no one to talk to
weekends were harder. The problem getting older is that you stop doing a lot of things. for whatever reason. You start to opt to stay home and not go out.
I didn't want to be asked questions
and I most certainly did not want to be hit on.

I had emailed the song writer a few weeks after the debut, asking how he was. And he asked me to make a deal with him. If I send him unpublished pictures from my modeling, he would send me exclusive material from his band. unfinished songs, lyrics, demos, anything.
I agreed.
but then he disappeared.
a few months went by and I emailed him asking if he was ok.
he replied that he would be ok, eventually. and hoped life was treating me well.

One night that august I sat at my computer flipping through new pics from a very loved photographer. They were nudes. They were wonderful. I had not sent him any nude photos, to respect his wife. But that night I thought... why not? its just a butt. so I sent it.

He responded very confused, and a bit shocked.
I reminded him of our deal.

Shortly after that his drummer asked me to dance at their next show.
I messaged him asking if i really could. and he said absolutely
I started attending practice.
He was not the same man from Kirtan. he was not the same man from the show
he was not the same man I emailed
He was mean
He was rude
and he was unhappy
He played his guitar with furry
he played like he had nothing to loose. after the final rehearsal he made a comment
"real love doesn't exist, not for everyone, not here"
he had been talking a little about what was going on with his wife.
just bits and pieces.
I told him I hoped wrong. It just doesn't find everyone at the same time.
He laughed. his band laughed and I went home

I started messaging him. thoughts and ideas, theories and questions
Soon we were messaging everyday. then most of the day everyday.
And then the show happened. I danced, he sang, the band played. as october faded...
At the very end, he dedicated a song to me to thank me for dancing for him
it was incredible.

we hung out at his place when it was over. his place bothered me. it felt like hate
it felt wrong, and it felt sad. His cat was very needing, it needed love.
I left, as I was scooting out the door he pushed two CDs into my hands. Said I should listen to them
so I did.

After that we messaged non stop. silly things. stupid things, whatever came to mind.
I met him with my best friend before umlaut one night, he kept kicking my boot under the table. He did not come to the club with us.

He started explaining what was going on with his wife. how they had been separated for a few months and were on the outs long before that. How she had kicked him out, how she cheated on him multiple times, all horrible things. All sad. But I could relate

after that things moved fast.

I started hanging out with him, and mutual friends. Making stuff, doing stuff. He moved into his new place, the first of december. I hung some of his curtains. We watched a silent film together in his raw house. Then he kissed me.
And we fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning confused. How did I fall asleep?! I found him working on music. I said thanks for not waking me up, but I have to go home now. He said ok and walked me out.

The next weekend I came up to hang out with him and our mutual friends again, but met him at his house first. We talked until the rest showed up. we all started heading to the car. He grabbed my belt loops before I went out the door and kissed me again. then said "I don't know what you are doing to me"
We stayed at our friends house, but slept seperately. it was lame

The following weekend he came down to my city. He spent the night with me, and then our mutual friends came down as well. I gave the utlimate staunton tour. It was the best day ever.

The rest is current history. but that is how it happened

No strings

No blame