Perception

A status on Facebook which I had decided to make a blog.
"I just realized that my life has hit an "even" point. Where for a very long time my life was full of insane highs and devastating lows, it is now "even". not saying there are not highs and lows, there still are but not as severe. Some of the reasoning behind that is that I don't let so much bother me, but at the same time my life is less chaotic and has been since early 2012. At that time I thought I was suffering from post traumatic stress or something because even if I still felt the anxious need to get things done quickly and cramming as much into my life as possible, I became more able to choose what I wanted, which seemed to free up a lot of my life. I still go through periods where I find myself taking on too much, or get wrapped up in the stress of everyday life, but it is no longer an everyday problem...."


I still panic about not having enough time and energy on a daily basis. Why can't I work 14 hours, and still look "good". As in good make up, clean clothes, good hair, healthy, well rested. Instead I work 14 hours and look like a train hit me. Even after 8 on some days I look like that. EVEN if I wake up early enough to brush my hair and throw on some eyeliner (which only happens 25% of the time)

This troubles me.

I try to fill the gaps, as in "Well I have a 40 minute drive to work, so I am going to learn german while I drive" and then I get angry when at the end of the week I don't know any more german than when I started. X_X

OR I plan my drives. If I am "heading that way anyway" I am going to stop here and here and get this and do that. AND 99% I only am able to do 50% of it, either forget the rest or run out of time and/or energy.

I hate running out of energy. and synthetic energy doesn't help much anymore. It helps once or twice a day, once I get on my third cup of coffee, or third caffeine source I crash hard.

I REALLY get irritated when people ask me what I "got going on" on the weekends. I just wanna look at them and say "Sleep" because that is ALL I THINK ABOUT
ok that is a lie, but I do LOVE sleep.

I am starting to think I am over working  my brain and it is creating the illusion that I am tired, which is crushing my immune system and therefore I am sick often. *cough

So, to fix this problem I AM going to learn mediation, for real. I can't *kinda* meditate. it has to be spot on. I have to understand how to be mindful, and not mind full.

I need to balance my brain so at any given second I am not crunching numbers from bills/bank accounts/pay checks. Or I am not pricing different options for clothing, concert tickets, plane tickets, gas mileage, shoes, vehicles, etc. Or Im not planning my life out to age 60 and beyond, or Im not thinking about every art project, social project, personal project.

How do I stream line, how do I focus my aquarian brain. I use to be able to keep up with it.  It was hard but I could do it. Now I can not. now the balance is off. My brain is working too fast and my life is not fast enough. My body is too tired because my mind is taking the energy my body needs to fuel it.

is this crazy?

numb and dumb

tonight-my brain-a summary

its friday night. Im too tired to do anything. Tomorrow I need to wake up before 10 so I can shower. I need to pack an overnight bag, I should pack books and paint so I can read and paint my leather jacket, I need to bring my laptop so I can write and edit, I should bring my camera as well. I need to bring emergency foods because of the event I am going to this weekend. I need to call ntelos and adjust my account, I need to get to the bank to put monies in it. I need to print my teacher bio for the wall. I would love to...

blah blah blah

writing it down helps and makes it feel like its not so much

its not.

thats the problem. it's not enough for my mind, but my mind moves so much faster than my body, and my life, and my finances (LOL)

is it like this for everyone?