We lie
We steal
We don't care
We use
We want
We kill
We abuse
We so badly need to be needed
And need to be loved
We so bad want to give the ppl we love everything we have
We hurt
Heartbreak hurts
We abandon each other in times of need
When life is good you have more friends than you can handle, but when life is hard... They disappear.
Sometimes I get so caught up worrying about health and money that I neglect fun and friends who in turn neglect me when I just need help
Because helping is not fun.
It's hard to be the person I want to be when there are all these limitations around me.
I just want to love and help. But how can I possibly do that when there is so much cruelty in the world, and I'm too busy fighting for myself?
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
reputation
Its funny how people make things happen in their own minds to justify what is going on in their lives.
Its also funny how quickly people are to assume things that they know very little about.
I have had the reputation of a "Man stealer" for a very long time. Almost 10 years (Im 22) so think about that for a second, and then think about our society. Kinda sad right? Only 13 years old and already pegged as someone who forces men away from the person that "trapped" them into their delusional pre-teen back woods, backwards mentality. "I know that we are only 13 but we are dating, so that means we will get married someday, and have babies!" and the reality is (for that poor girl) is that she will end up very unhappy, because that is NOT how the majority of the world works, AND there is no "right or wrong way to live" I could go more into this concept (sex before marriage, same sex marriage, divorce, etc) These traditional theories are, and have been outdated. very outdated. We just don't get hitched at 13 anymore people, so stop teaching your children that they "must find a man" or we will end up with more reality TV shows about teen pregnancy. OBVIOUSLY WE ARE ALL DOING SOMETHING WRONG!
But anyway let me tell you how this all is a part of my life and my experience. For starters I am not from Virginia, I have lived many places, and because of my very bizarre childhood (consisting of a very wild mother who wanted to have a traditional family sooo bad but had zero concept on how to actually make that happen correctly, thus resulting in a slew of failed marriages and left behind family *all the children* and then growing up with a single father and watching him navigate through the crazy dating scene and seriously seeing first hand how CRAZY women can be) I have a very unique perspective on things like relationships, marriage, babies, families and the like. Because of this perspective I have also researched marriages and traditions from other countries to get an idea of how these ideas and concepts come about. I will say this, we live in a very crazy world, ruled by very crazy people.
So back to me at 13 years old, because that is when it all started, I became a "Man stealer". I was in 7th grade, and had gone to some dances with some boys, and done the whole "we're dating because we are holding hands" thing, but never had a serious boyfriend *i use that term lightly..because how fucking serious can you be at 13 right?* anyway, I met this boy, we'll call him curls because he had beautiful black curls. We started dating, and since i was a prude that essentially meant we ate lunch together. Unfortunately Curls had a secret, or not so secret admirer, whom was convinced that curls was her man. And in her defense curls was a charmer, so she might have thought he was actually interested in her, until I came along and charmed his fucking pants off! (lol) But he wasn't actually interested in her otherwise he would not have asked me out. make sense? Well this girl holds some serious grudges. serious. She HATED me from there on out, and STILL has a problem with me. In fact I thought she had gotten over it when she added me on FB a year ago, only to wake up to a HUGE comment on one of my photos where she had gone off about how I was a freak, and would always be a freak and someday I will be fat and ugly like the rest of the world. (can you see how insane that is?) The problem is that same scenario happened again in highschool, where she was pining over some dude, and I met him (unaware that she had it for him) and he asked me out. This is one girl out of 3 girls who has had this idea in their head that I purposing track down the men they are into just to distract them away from said girl. Im sure its infuriating, but honestly who has time for that?
So moving on to "where is she now?" Well she is living in some county somewhere, engaged to her best friends baby daddy. She looks good, she has lost a lot of weight since highschool. But its hilarious that she still thinks Im some kind of super freak.. whatever. When she "took" a man from her best friend while she was pregnant with his child. Ironic huh?
Ok second girl. I had a highschool sweetheart (I liked to date until I met this one kid who I thought was the bizness, so I stopped dating and stayed with this kid for over a year, but since it was high school it was on and off.) Anywho when I first met him he was talking to this chick, we will call her droopy because she is a sad person, never happy, and you can see it in her eyes. poor girl. I remember him telling me about her the first night we met, but he was telling me he wasn't very interested, that they had just been talking. This kid came to my house party the night after we met, got trashed and had to crash at my place. (or my dads place bc we were in highschool) When I took him home the next day, he asked me out. She found out a few days later and was furious. But they weren't together and even if they had been, why would you try to hang on to someone who doesn't want you? These women make no sense. Unfortunately for her, this became a repeat thing for us. And it might be because she was super clingy to her men, or we had the same taste in men, or maybe its because I can talk to men like people, and not animals (ladies we complain that men think of us as objects, well we think of them as pets, so thats no good) Anywho what ever the reason there was another guy later (a few years) who wanted to get with me, but never did. 1. he was with her 2. I wasn't interested but apparently she caught him looking at pictures of me or something so it ended. A year or so after that she was dating a drummer from a band I use to book consistently. Me and the drummer were very good friends, and we started hanging out more that summer because we both had more free time. AND he wanted to spend some time away from her. Just because I have a vagina does not mean every man who wants to hang out with me wants to get some. seriously YOU WOMEN ARE CRAZY. anyway. He started telling me that she was pestering him about kids and marriage, and even set a date for both, and wrote it in sharpie on his wall and stuff. We were 20, so I told him FUCK THAT. it was obviously Something he did not want. Or we wouldn't be all distant and telling his friends about it. So why push him? If you really love him, you would make a compromise. Come on people, its not hard. Well he ended up breaking up with her, you can guess who got blamed for it. Go figure. However we never dated.
Where is she now? Don't know Don't care. Last time I heard about her, I had a coworker who was friends with her in highschool, and gave me some perspective on her personality. She desperately needed to be needed, and wanted. And HAD to fit in all the time. Like I said, poor girl.
Next we come to my highschool sweetheart and his current wife and mother to be. That is a huge story with lots of emotional ties and heartache between us, but the moral of that story is, he is happy because he is SAFE with her. He has come to me multiple times through out their relationship from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to baby, expressing that he is not happy and wants to end it with her because he is bored and not ready for this life. He doesn't want to do this the rest of his life. And I tell him what I tell anybody. If you want to be free, you are free. Just do it. Now he has put a baby in her, it will be harder. I have cut all ties of communication with her and him because I AM NOT going to get blamed for that marriage falling apart. I am not going to have some crazy women telling her child that another women broke up their marriage. HONESTLY if your marriage is that fragile, something is wrong. Does anyone else see that? If your husband is out seeking comfort from his ex from highschool, making passes and flirting something is wrong.
And yes I know this says a lot about my character, most people would tell me I shouldn't be talking to my ex's or "You shouldn't let them hit on you, they are just coming to you because they need an outlet" or whatever. Some people push it as far as being like "I bet they come to you because they think you can be the girl on the side, your laid back and don't demand commitment" nonsense.
Small fact about me, I lost my virginity senior year, and can count my partners on two hands. so eat me if you think Im loose.
SO we come to the present. Where yet another women is blaming me for the end of her marriage. which in reality ended well before I came into the picture, romantically or not. That marriage was over when I first met my SO. Most people can see that, and most people are ok with other people doing what they want to be happy. But like I said, we are raising people to be obsessive and hang on to traditional morals that don't apply to modern day society. Is anyone getting this? WE ARE OUR OWN PROBLEM. So stop.
Its also funny how quickly people are to assume things that they know very little about.
I have had the reputation of a "Man stealer" for a very long time. Almost 10 years (Im 22) so think about that for a second, and then think about our society. Kinda sad right? Only 13 years old and already pegged as someone who forces men away from the person that "trapped" them into their delusional pre-teen back woods, backwards mentality. "I know that we are only 13 but we are dating, so that means we will get married someday, and have babies!" and the reality is (for that poor girl) is that she will end up very unhappy, because that is NOT how the majority of the world works, AND there is no "right or wrong way to live" I could go more into this concept (sex before marriage, same sex marriage, divorce, etc) These traditional theories are, and have been outdated. very outdated. We just don't get hitched at 13 anymore people, so stop teaching your children that they "must find a man" or we will end up with more reality TV shows about teen pregnancy. OBVIOUSLY WE ARE ALL DOING SOMETHING WRONG!
But anyway let me tell you how this all is a part of my life and my experience. For starters I am not from Virginia, I have lived many places, and because of my very bizarre childhood (consisting of a very wild mother who wanted to have a traditional family sooo bad but had zero concept on how to actually make that happen correctly, thus resulting in a slew of failed marriages and left behind family *all the children* and then growing up with a single father and watching him navigate through the crazy dating scene and seriously seeing first hand how CRAZY women can be) I have a very unique perspective on things like relationships, marriage, babies, families and the like. Because of this perspective I have also researched marriages and traditions from other countries to get an idea of how these ideas and concepts come about. I will say this, we live in a very crazy world, ruled by very crazy people.
So back to me at 13 years old, because that is when it all started, I became a "Man stealer". I was in 7th grade, and had gone to some dances with some boys, and done the whole "we're dating because we are holding hands" thing, but never had a serious boyfriend *i use that term lightly..because how fucking serious can you be at 13 right?* anyway, I met this boy, we'll call him curls because he had beautiful black curls. We started dating, and since i was a prude that essentially meant we ate lunch together. Unfortunately Curls had a secret, or not so secret admirer, whom was convinced that curls was her man. And in her defense curls was a charmer, so she might have thought he was actually interested in her, until I came along and charmed his fucking pants off! (lol) But he wasn't actually interested in her otherwise he would not have asked me out. make sense? Well this girl holds some serious grudges. serious. She HATED me from there on out, and STILL has a problem with me. In fact I thought she had gotten over it when she added me on FB a year ago, only to wake up to a HUGE comment on one of my photos where she had gone off about how I was a freak, and would always be a freak and someday I will be fat and ugly like the rest of the world. (can you see how insane that is?) The problem is that same scenario happened again in highschool, where she was pining over some dude, and I met him (unaware that she had it for him) and he asked me out. This is one girl out of 3 girls who has had this idea in their head that I purposing track down the men they are into just to distract them away from said girl. Im sure its infuriating, but honestly who has time for that?
So moving on to "where is she now?" Well she is living in some county somewhere, engaged to her best friends baby daddy. She looks good, she has lost a lot of weight since highschool. But its hilarious that she still thinks Im some kind of super freak.. whatever. When she "took" a man from her best friend while she was pregnant with his child. Ironic huh?
Ok second girl. I had a highschool sweetheart (I liked to date until I met this one kid who I thought was the bizness, so I stopped dating and stayed with this kid for over a year, but since it was high school it was on and off.) Anywho when I first met him he was talking to this chick, we will call her droopy because she is a sad person, never happy, and you can see it in her eyes. poor girl. I remember him telling me about her the first night we met, but he was telling me he wasn't very interested, that they had just been talking. This kid came to my house party the night after we met, got trashed and had to crash at my place. (or my dads place bc we were in highschool) When I took him home the next day, he asked me out. She found out a few days later and was furious. But they weren't together and even if they had been, why would you try to hang on to someone who doesn't want you? These women make no sense. Unfortunately for her, this became a repeat thing for us. And it might be because she was super clingy to her men, or we had the same taste in men, or maybe its because I can talk to men like people, and not animals (ladies we complain that men think of us as objects, well we think of them as pets, so thats no good) Anywho what ever the reason there was another guy later (a few years) who wanted to get with me, but never did. 1. he was with her 2. I wasn't interested but apparently she caught him looking at pictures of me or something so it ended. A year or so after that she was dating a drummer from a band I use to book consistently. Me and the drummer were very good friends, and we started hanging out more that summer because we both had more free time. AND he wanted to spend some time away from her. Just because I have a vagina does not mean every man who wants to hang out with me wants to get some. seriously YOU WOMEN ARE CRAZY. anyway. He started telling me that she was pestering him about kids and marriage, and even set a date for both, and wrote it in sharpie on his wall and stuff. We were 20, so I told him FUCK THAT. it was obviously Something he did not want. Or we wouldn't be all distant and telling his friends about it. So why push him? If you really love him, you would make a compromise. Come on people, its not hard. Well he ended up breaking up with her, you can guess who got blamed for it. Go figure. However we never dated.
Where is she now? Don't know Don't care. Last time I heard about her, I had a coworker who was friends with her in highschool, and gave me some perspective on her personality. She desperately needed to be needed, and wanted. And HAD to fit in all the time. Like I said, poor girl.
Next we come to my highschool sweetheart and his current wife and mother to be. That is a huge story with lots of emotional ties and heartache between us, but the moral of that story is, he is happy because he is SAFE with her. He has come to me multiple times through out their relationship from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to baby, expressing that he is not happy and wants to end it with her because he is bored and not ready for this life. He doesn't want to do this the rest of his life. And I tell him what I tell anybody. If you want to be free, you are free. Just do it. Now he has put a baby in her, it will be harder. I have cut all ties of communication with her and him because I AM NOT going to get blamed for that marriage falling apart. I am not going to have some crazy women telling her child that another women broke up their marriage. HONESTLY if your marriage is that fragile, something is wrong. Does anyone else see that? If your husband is out seeking comfort from his ex from highschool, making passes and flirting something is wrong.
And yes I know this says a lot about my character, most people would tell me I shouldn't be talking to my ex's or "You shouldn't let them hit on you, they are just coming to you because they need an outlet" or whatever. Some people push it as far as being like "I bet they come to you because they think you can be the girl on the side, your laid back and don't demand commitment" nonsense.
Small fact about me, I lost my virginity senior year, and can count my partners on two hands. so eat me if you think Im loose.
SO we come to the present. Where yet another women is blaming me for the end of her marriage. which in reality ended well before I came into the picture, romantically or not. That marriage was over when I first met my SO. Most people can see that, and most people are ok with other people doing what they want to be happy. But like I said, we are raising people to be obsessive and hang on to traditional morals that don't apply to modern day society. Is anyone getting this? WE ARE OUR OWN PROBLEM. So stop.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I got shit to do
I enrolled in summer classes today. Currently in orientation! Which is dragggging! So of course I'm mindlessly flipping through fb. And I find this and I realize.... I HAVE SHIT TO DO! Ain't nobody got time for "that". Don't need nobodies bs for the next 9 months!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Everyone has two best friends
Their lover
And then the one other person they can always let go with, and be free!
Bffs
And then the one other person they can always let go with, and be free!
Bffs
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Trend
6 deep
I am underground
I can't go any further
or I won't be able to make it back around
words are your clay
I fell for the dream you sold me
your a montage of other peoples emotions
because you can't feel any of your own
but you want to so bad, so very very bad
nothing can hurt you, like a god
you can't feel the knives in your back
you can't even tell they are there
and now, there is no more room
so there is no point in throwing knives....
can I accept this, can you accept that?
the only way you can love me
is to hurt me
hurt me again
hurt me again
and again
I am not powerless
but I do not want to fight
I am not powerless
but I lost sight
I am not powerless
my soul is on fire
I am not powerless
but I'm forever in love with a liar.
I am underground
I can't go any further
or I won't be able to make it back around
this is my last chance
words are your clay
I fell for the dream you sold me
your a montage of other peoples emotions
because you can't feel any of your own
but you want to so bad, so very very bad
you want to love, like you do in your words
but you are not able
so you wish
and wish
and wish
you can not love, because you can not feel pain
and with out pain, there is no love
nothing can hurt you, like a god
you can't feel the knives in your back
you can't even tell they are there
and now, there is no more room
so there is no point in throwing knives....
can I accept this, can you accept that?
the only way you can love me
is to hurt me
hurt me again
hurt me again
and again
I am not powerless
but I do not want to fight
I am not powerless
but I lost sight
I am not powerless
my soul is on fire
I am not powerless
but I'm forever in love with a liar.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
As october faded.
I met him... 3 years ago.
I don't remember it. I don't remember any significance.
I was in love with someone
my life was chaos.
names and faces, were just names and faces.
jaded
He played Umlaut, our club
on 4/20 that year.
my lover snarked at the event
saying it wasn't a big deal,
his brother was the club promoter
It felt like a pretty big deal. regardless of who was playing
He wore a mask and threw glitter in the air.
that band had it for me, thats all that mattered.
Im not sure why I went to Kirtan, I believe a friend took me
it was incredible. took my breath away.
He made that music and those chants.
I went back every time he came to town
I do not believe we were talking privately at that point. Just a Hi here and there.
But his talent stuck in my brain. I bought his CD, played it to myself.
Last Kirtan in staunton before my favorite store closed for good.
He stopped me and told me my tan looked nice
"Keep the bronze" he said.
that was it. summer 2010.
I was contacted by the city to put together a halloween show.
I combed my brain for bands.
His fell threw the cracks.
So I messaged him
he agreed.
The show was violent, fast, cold, and memorable.
The bands all got paid, prizes where given out, and happiness filled the cold air as october faded
As he was leaving I asked if he wanted to come hang out at the local bar with me and some of the others
He said no, he rode with his band, and they had to get home. But said he'd text me.
He did. He texted me while I sat with a group of people drinking water, since I was too young to have a beer. I asked if he thinks the show was a success. I asked if he'd be willing to play again. He asked how soon that would be, I told him very soon because I planned on moving away. He asked me if he wrote a song about me, would I stay? He felt like a stranger, but he wanted me to stay close. So I agreed, thinking he would never write it.
I messaged him a few more times, and checked out his facebook. Before long I found out he was married. I rolled my eyes and layed my head down on my desk. Of course he is. Of course he would hit on me, or at least of course I would think that.
A few weeks later I attended a Rave with a friend and met a guy who I would date for the next year and some odd months. A guy I would live with, and argue with. A guy would become another ex that had no hope in the eyes of an aquarian. That winter the song came out.
Make it stop
I got an email from the writer, he asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked if I read the lyrics I said yes, you talk about my ice cream cone tattoo. He said he wanted to make sure I knew he was talking about me in the song, beyond any doubt.
I shared the song with my lover. He asked me why this man wrote a song about me. I said I wasn't sure. I said I was surprised, and it was prob just an act of kindness
2011 is a blur. I moved 3 times. My lover changed jobs 3 times. life was chaotic. But we had a plan, a plan to run away together. I did not talk to the song writer very much during this time. but he would poke me on facebook. and message me "why don't you poke back?" And I'd tell him, I don't play silly games.
At the end of 2011 He asked me to be in his first music video. And showed me what I had to do. I agreed, said it would be pretty exciting. My lover was less enthused. We were already having problems.
But he brought me coffee at the shoot anyway.
The shoot was smooth, and quick. JJ did not speak to me much. He was busy being the producer. His wife was there. I met her before briefly, but actually got to see her more here. she was mousy, and bossy. An aquarian like myself, but drastically different. Us aquarians. you never know with us.
A few months later the video debut was scheduled to be at our club. Everyone came out. My lover and I were on the outs. He had much baggage, and things to figure out in life. And I was coming out of a very dark phase in mine. I knew we'd part ways soon. I looked up to the DJ booth while the video was being played for everyone to see. I saw the song writer and his wife standing next to each other. I thought to myself. that is something I will never have. Im not meant for that. I slowly started accepting that I will be "alone" for one reason or another.
A month later it happened. We mutually agreed it was over. it had been over for a long time. He was jobless again. so I told him he could stay the remainder of the lease. He declined. and left a few weeks later. He would slowly come get his stuff. I transferred the bills in my own name. I celebrated my new freedom with a motorcycle. Riding through the streets underneath the street lights. Breathing the warm summer air.
Nights were hard. No one else in my house.
no one to talk to
weekends were harder. The problem getting older is that you stop doing a lot of things. for whatever reason. You start to opt to stay home and not go out.
I didn't want to be asked questions
and I most certainly did not want to be hit on.
I had emailed the song writer a few weeks after the debut, asking how he was. And he asked me to make a deal with him. If I send him unpublished pictures from my modeling, he would send me exclusive material from his band. unfinished songs, lyrics, demos, anything.
I agreed.
but then he disappeared.
a few months went by and I emailed him asking if he was ok.
he replied that he would be ok, eventually. and hoped life was treating me well.
One night that august I sat at my computer flipping through new pics from a very loved photographer. They were nudes. They were wonderful. I had not sent him any nude photos, to respect his wife. But that night I thought... why not? its just a butt. so I sent it.
He responded very confused, and a bit shocked.
I reminded him of our deal.
Shortly after that his drummer asked me to dance at their next show.
I messaged him asking if i really could. and he said absolutely
I started attending practice.
He was not the same man from Kirtan. he was not the same man from the show
he was not the same man I emailed
He was mean
He was rude
and he was unhappy
He played his guitar with furry
he played like he had nothing to loose. after the final rehearsal he made a comment
"real love doesn't exist, not for everyone, not here"
he had been talking a little about what was going on with his wife.
just bits and pieces.
I told him I hoped wrong. It just doesn't find everyone at the same time.
He laughed. his band laughed and I went home
I started messaging him. thoughts and ideas, theories and questions
Soon we were messaging everyday. then most of the day everyday.
And then the show happened. I danced, he sang, the band played. as october faded...
At the very end, he dedicated a song to me to thank me for dancing for him
it was incredible.
we hung out at his place when it was over. his place bothered me. it felt like hate
it felt wrong, and it felt sad. His cat was very needing, it needed love.
I left, as I was scooting out the door he pushed two CDs into my hands. Said I should listen to them
so I did.
After that we messaged non stop. silly things. stupid things, whatever came to mind.
I met him with my best friend before umlaut one night, he kept kicking my boot under the table. He did not come to the club with us.
He started explaining what was going on with his wife. how they had been separated for a few months and were on the outs long before that. How she had kicked him out, how she cheated on him multiple times, all horrible things. All sad. But I could relate
after that things moved fast.
I started hanging out with him, and mutual friends. Making stuff, doing stuff. He moved into his new place, the first of december. I hung some of his curtains. We watched a silent film together in his raw house. Then he kissed me.
And we fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning confused. How did I fall asleep?! I found him working on music. I said thanks for not waking me up, but I have to go home now. He said ok and walked me out.
The next weekend I came up to hang out with him and our mutual friends again, but met him at his house first. We talked until the rest showed up. we all started heading to the car. He grabbed my belt loops before I went out the door and kissed me again. then said "I don't know what you are doing to me"
We stayed at our friends house, but slept seperately. it was lame
The following weekend he came down to my city. He spent the night with me, and then our mutual friends came down as well. I gave the utlimate staunton tour. It was the best day ever.
The rest is current history. but that is how it happened
No strings
No blame
I don't remember it. I don't remember any significance.
I was in love with someone
my life was chaos.
names and faces, were just names and faces.
jaded
He played Umlaut, our club
on 4/20 that year.
my lover snarked at the event
saying it wasn't a big deal,
his brother was the club promoter
It felt like a pretty big deal. regardless of who was playing
He wore a mask and threw glitter in the air.
that band had it for me, thats all that mattered.
Im not sure why I went to Kirtan, I believe a friend took me
it was incredible. took my breath away.
He made that music and those chants.
I went back every time he came to town
I do not believe we were talking privately at that point. Just a Hi here and there.
But his talent stuck in my brain. I bought his CD, played it to myself.
Last Kirtan in staunton before my favorite store closed for good.
He stopped me and told me my tan looked nice
"Keep the bronze" he said.
that was it. summer 2010.
I was contacted by the city to put together a halloween show.
I combed my brain for bands.
His fell threw the cracks.
So I messaged him
he agreed.
The show was violent, fast, cold, and memorable.
The bands all got paid, prizes where given out, and happiness filled the cold air as october faded
As he was leaving I asked if he wanted to come hang out at the local bar with me and some of the others
He said no, he rode with his band, and they had to get home. But said he'd text me.
He did. He texted me while I sat with a group of people drinking water, since I was too young to have a beer. I asked if he thinks the show was a success. I asked if he'd be willing to play again. He asked how soon that would be, I told him very soon because I planned on moving away. He asked me if he wrote a song about me, would I stay? He felt like a stranger, but he wanted me to stay close. So I agreed, thinking he would never write it.
I messaged him a few more times, and checked out his facebook. Before long I found out he was married. I rolled my eyes and layed my head down on my desk. Of course he is. Of course he would hit on me, or at least of course I would think that.
A few weeks later I attended a Rave with a friend and met a guy who I would date for the next year and some odd months. A guy I would live with, and argue with. A guy would become another ex that had no hope in the eyes of an aquarian. That winter the song came out.
Make it stop
I got an email from the writer, he asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked if I read the lyrics I said yes, you talk about my ice cream cone tattoo. He said he wanted to make sure I knew he was talking about me in the song, beyond any doubt.
I shared the song with my lover. He asked me why this man wrote a song about me. I said I wasn't sure. I said I was surprised, and it was prob just an act of kindness
2011 is a blur. I moved 3 times. My lover changed jobs 3 times. life was chaotic. But we had a plan, a plan to run away together. I did not talk to the song writer very much during this time. but he would poke me on facebook. and message me "why don't you poke back?" And I'd tell him, I don't play silly games.
At the end of 2011 He asked me to be in his first music video. And showed me what I had to do. I agreed, said it would be pretty exciting. My lover was less enthused. We were already having problems.
But he brought me coffee at the shoot anyway.
The shoot was smooth, and quick. JJ did not speak to me much. He was busy being the producer. His wife was there. I met her before briefly, but actually got to see her more here. she was mousy, and bossy. An aquarian like myself, but drastically different. Us aquarians. you never know with us.
A few months later the video debut was scheduled to be at our club. Everyone came out. My lover and I were on the outs. He had much baggage, and things to figure out in life. And I was coming out of a very dark phase in mine. I knew we'd part ways soon. I looked up to the DJ booth while the video was being played for everyone to see. I saw the song writer and his wife standing next to each other. I thought to myself. that is something I will never have. Im not meant for that. I slowly started accepting that I will be "alone" for one reason or another.
A month later it happened. We mutually agreed it was over. it had been over for a long time. He was jobless again. so I told him he could stay the remainder of the lease. He declined. and left a few weeks later. He would slowly come get his stuff. I transferred the bills in my own name. I celebrated my new freedom with a motorcycle. Riding through the streets underneath the street lights. Breathing the warm summer air.
Nights were hard. No one else in my house.
no one to talk to
weekends were harder. The problem getting older is that you stop doing a lot of things. for whatever reason. You start to opt to stay home and not go out.
I didn't want to be asked questions
and I most certainly did not want to be hit on.
I had emailed the song writer a few weeks after the debut, asking how he was. And he asked me to make a deal with him. If I send him unpublished pictures from my modeling, he would send me exclusive material from his band. unfinished songs, lyrics, demos, anything.
I agreed.
but then he disappeared.
a few months went by and I emailed him asking if he was ok.
he replied that he would be ok, eventually. and hoped life was treating me well.
One night that august I sat at my computer flipping through new pics from a very loved photographer. They were nudes. They were wonderful. I had not sent him any nude photos, to respect his wife. But that night I thought... why not? its just a butt. so I sent it.
He responded very confused, and a bit shocked.
I reminded him of our deal.
Shortly after that his drummer asked me to dance at their next show.
I messaged him asking if i really could. and he said absolutely
I started attending practice.
He was not the same man from Kirtan. he was not the same man from the show
he was not the same man I emailed
He was mean
He was rude
and he was unhappy
He played his guitar with furry
he played like he had nothing to loose. after the final rehearsal he made a comment
"real love doesn't exist, not for everyone, not here"
he had been talking a little about what was going on with his wife.
just bits and pieces.
I told him I hoped wrong. It just doesn't find everyone at the same time.
He laughed. his band laughed and I went home
I started messaging him. thoughts and ideas, theories and questions
Soon we were messaging everyday. then most of the day everyday.
And then the show happened. I danced, he sang, the band played. as october faded...
At the very end, he dedicated a song to me to thank me for dancing for him
it was incredible.
we hung out at his place when it was over. his place bothered me. it felt like hate
it felt wrong, and it felt sad. His cat was very needing, it needed love.
I left, as I was scooting out the door he pushed two CDs into my hands. Said I should listen to them
so I did.
After that we messaged non stop. silly things. stupid things, whatever came to mind.
I met him with my best friend before umlaut one night, he kept kicking my boot under the table. He did not come to the club with us.
He started explaining what was going on with his wife. how they had been separated for a few months and were on the outs long before that. How she had kicked him out, how she cheated on him multiple times, all horrible things. All sad. But I could relate
after that things moved fast.
I started hanging out with him, and mutual friends. Making stuff, doing stuff. He moved into his new place, the first of december. I hung some of his curtains. We watched a silent film together in his raw house. Then he kissed me.
And we fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning confused. How did I fall asleep?! I found him working on music. I said thanks for not waking me up, but I have to go home now. He said ok and walked me out.
The next weekend I came up to hang out with him and our mutual friends again, but met him at his house first. We talked until the rest showed up. we all started heading to the car. He grabbed my belt loops before I went out the door and kissed me again. then said "I don't know what you are doing to me"
We stayed at our friends house, but slept seperately. it was lame
The following weekend he came down to my city. He spent the night with me, and then our mutual friends came down as well. I gave the utlimate staunton tour. It was the best day ever.
The rest is current history. but that is how it happened
No strings
No blame
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Taco night
I'm so blessed
To have two men in my life
That love me
My father, even if his ways are odd
And my significant, even if our love is strange.
My fear is that I'll disappoint them both.
If they respect me half as much as I respect them we will be in good shape.
My fear is that I can't do "taco night"
If freedom was a drug, I'd be an addict
I don't have restrictions, but I do have discipline
I'm not naive but I have trust
My fear is that after I figure out how to function as a motherless daughter
I will have to face becoming a motherless mother
And like I said, I don't do taco night
To have two men in my life
That love me
My father, even if his ways are odd
And my significant, even if our love is strange.
My fear is that I'll disappoint them both.
If they respect me half as much as I respect them we will be in good shape.
My fear is that I can't do "taco night"
If freedom was a drug, I'd be an addict
I don't have restrictions, but I do have discipline
I'm not naive but I have trust
My fear is that after I figure out how to function as a motherless daughter
I will have to face becoming a motherless mother
And like I said, I don't do taco night
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