Show me

s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

keep playin', you don't know me
keep watchin', maybe you'll see
this life, sure don't come easy

Baby if you got the key, you don't need to creep.

s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

my life, collides with my art
two worlds I can't keep apart
come here, only if your smart

If you don't have a heart, I think it's time to start.


s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

I'm a boxer

I keep my dreams locked in a box aaabcccb
7...6...7...10

i keep my dreams in a box
heavy chains and pad locks
a story that only god mocks

take a breath in now, the story begins. 

Livin' life like its fast pace
Heathens in a mad race
Stay running onto home-base

 keep your facts straight cause everybody sins

I'm a boxer, set up the bouts

first win and the whole crowd shouts

hit em up hit em up hit em up 

block a few hits, take a blow

keep on standing its part of the show

Knock em out knock em  out 

K then O

Standing on a pedestal 

a bike you can't pedal

may be a bit skeptical 

anythings possible, with a good lie 

Loose balance, and break your crown

it's ok, we all fall down

it's just life in a small town

Just keep on smiling, ignore the black eye

I'm a boxer, set up the bouts

second win and the whole crowd shouts

hit em up hit em up hit em up

block those kicks, take a blow

keep on standing, it's still a show

knock em out knock em out

K then O

Make things

I just want to make things. Create. Build, change, alter, restore, renew. All of it. I'm good at making things. But things become heavy. So things get left behind, so what can I make that isn't heavy? Money, I can make money. Hey I'm good at that too. But money isn't enough, I still need to make things. All the things. I think u could work endless hours making things. If I could without it risking day to day failure at grown up tasks like getting up for work, id do it. The best artist statement I've ever heard was from a kid in my class. "Why does god get to be the only one that makes stuff. I wanna make stuff too!" 

 

Think back

When I really think Back, I wouldn't change a thing. Except my step mom, I'd love to delete her from my life but you know... How many kids can say they pranked their authorities soooo much and essentially got away with it. Yea I was grounded all the time, regardless of the pranks too... But either way, worth it. Oh the stories. Maybe she was my buffer to the cruel world. I had six years of conditioning to deal with this bullshit! Every mistake I can think of, brought me lots of tears and agony, but also made me a friend, or gave me opportunity to grow. And it's sad that in order to make ourselves open to the possibilities we have to make drastic changes in our life or attitude and understand that those close to us will not be along for the ride. Choices we make everyday. All of us. No one is exempt. Remember we were all innocent victims once. 

I talk about my dad, and how irritating it was that he pulled me away from the majority of my family, then tried to get me a stand in mom (insert evil step mom), and went through a few years of depression during a crucial part of my adolescent development... But also how inspiring he was through it all. He ended up teaching me (most likely unintentionally, because that's our family in a nutshell- accidentally awesome!) he taught me how to be aware, understanding, analytical, and fair. Even If he wasn't those things as much as he could have been. He took a brat, a spoiled brat, and turned her into a bit less of a brat... With a very open view of the world. My dad isn't biast, he's not quick to judge but he is quick to talk so he often says the wrong thing and it sounds judgemental but dad is far from it. I remember him explaining things to me like skin color, and souls. And how all living things have souls, and all of our souls are the same and so on. I remember him giving me hot wheels and a big track. We clamped that track down everywhere. And races cars, and he never got tired of it. He was definitely my protector. He saved me from drowning twice. Even so I never did trust him while he held me over the water. Dad was a balls to the wall kind of teacher though. It was fight or flight, Except he would stand behind you so you couldn't back out or run away. So it was more like "guess I'm doing this" I remember being so ashamed that my dad saw me at school, in first grade, and I was unable to do a single chin up. I worked all summer that summer and by the end of it I was doing 13 chin ups. 7 years old. I remember getting the chicken pox, I had it between my fingers. Dad broke a straw, placed it between the infected fingers and taped the fingers up. I walked around looking like "we come in peace". I had lice that year too (dad couldn't catch a break) and they told him to comb mayonnaise through my hair.... Yea... Yuck. A whole jar of mayo later I was bug free and about as oily as a pepperoni pizza. Speaking if hair and fashion, Dad also didn't care about what I dressed like. As long as I liked it. The only thing he fussed about was me trying to wear flip flops in the winter. Oh I had to explain the "twit flick" the other day to my boyfriend. It's something my dad came up with. Essentially when someone is being a twit, you flick them on the forehead. Right in the middle. I had to explain to my boyfriend why I flick him in the head so much. My point is the alternative to that life would've could've been, a house with two parents and my brothers (which is give anything EXCEPT my dad And nanny for) my brothers that is. I could care about two parents... But two patents would mean family dinners, family vacations, family outtings that kind of life. As opposed to fish sticks and koolaid watching scooby doo. Or liver (yuck) and greens (yuck) because payday  is still 4 days away... Trade offs are fun, but the grass is deceptive! I had fun with my dad and I hope I'm as patient and funny as he was/is. (And hope I never go through a depression like he did) I can say this tho. I have a strong family, all around and I am so glad. 

Reference

http://www.ancientegypt.co.uk/gods/explore/main.html

Eb eb flow

Side note. Autocorrect says "Ed be flow" and I dig it. 

People of the world thrive with me. 

So u will survive with me

Rotation

Is life more like a ferris wheel or merry-go-round?
we relive and repeat the same things
but we can never rewind, so
does that mean we learn?
are mistakes circumstantial?
a larger message must be found
How does one "let go"
how does one forget, and then forgive
it's hypocritical for someone to decide
something isn't as awful as they once thought
right?
Or are we built to let time rebuild us?
think about the foundation below,
once cracked, always cracked
Even the strongest house built on a weak foundation
will crumble

So the only option is to forget. Forget all of it
Because there is no origin
Maybe letting go goes as far back as that one time
momma forgot to give you your bottle!
Brains are impressionable. We are machines
far more tangible than we can conceive
our skin can withstand more than we believe
We are not meant to break
we are meant to build

I find myself spending too much time
worrying about slipping
falling into the same patterns that made me
miserable and sad.
I felt like I had surpassed pain, and
all other pain would be minuscule in comparison.
Pain tolerance comes from exposure correct?
Tough skin, less bruises

So which is it?
weak foundation?
tough skin?
both?

what is its origin...
where does it come from.
Scientist tell me my brain is under developed,
as a result of trauma and neglect.
Define trauma
Definitions come from lack of experience
because if you experienced anything close you would never want to  name it
you wouldn't be able to

We can take a look at our  modern day problems
and link them to shit that happened in our early childhood
then still refuse to acknowledge that WE ARE ALL AT FAULT
everything we do, everyday, will shape who we are
everything that other people do, everyday
WILL SHAPE YOU
you are a product of X amount of people functioning in X amount of ways

But we refuse to acknowledge that. Until...

someone looses it. Then all the fingers start pointing.
Who's fault is it that so and so finally cracked.
I will have you know we are all mental
we all have the negative traits
jealousy
hate
greed
ignorance

it is all in us. So is that how I let go?
To acknowledge that we are all bad.
I can't forgive myself for some negligent actions
and I know I'll never fully forgive the negligent acts done towards me
or the hateful acts
and the spiteful acts
the selfish acts
but I can acknowledge that we are all crazy, greedy, needy, spiteful, possessive, ignorant, and so on.

Even if accepting all of this as truth and trying to work with in its confides. I still have to deal with people who will not let go. Who will place their insecurities on me, and as a conscious individual Im suppose to just "swallow it". And move on, because I have already let go, and they have not. that seems fair.
The only way to live in this world is to never do anything wrong and always forgive everyone else for fucking up, consistently, because you know they will do it again. And in doing so they will believe that you fucked up, not them, and expect you to apologize.

It is possible that all of this originates from a poor childhood circumstance that "I just can't seem to let go of" but it's not like you can just toss it.
If it was as easy as setting down a pencil, or throwing a tennis ball. It would be done by now.
It is not. It's not even as easy as dissecting your own -whatever- and cutting all the tendons. Even that would be done by now. the problem is, you set it down, and the fucker jumps on your back as you walk away. Or you throw it out of a moving car, Drive home, just to find that fucker on your doorstep smiling. You drown the bitch, and the next day life is restored. You starve him, you stab him, you cut him, you burn him, and you abandon him and somehow... he comes back. He is relative, it/she/thing
doesn't matter what or who, they will come back. Even if you think the book is closed, the life is done. You have healed. They come back. And not subtly either. They come back with a vengeance. I guess that is when you should have the strength to say "leave me alone" but I haven't found that strength. As tough as my skin is. I don't have it. not yet. maybe that is the missing piece. I forgive

And while this is all happening. This back and forth struggle. Other people get caught in the cross hairs. And then you have a hand in their undoing. You unravel them, trying to figure out a way to sew up yourself. You can't learn to build an engine unless you take one apart? But you don't learn the first time. So you do it again, and again. And each time the engine is a little different. And you loose pieces. So you drop it and run. Never learning anything.

See you can't rewind, just restart, relive, and repeat.