How to live through it all

It's pretty simple.

       You just gotta smile, no matter what. 

No matter who is hurting you, no matter who is hurting themselves.

There is no pain quite like loosing your mother

in any form

death of the body, death of the mind. death of the soul.

death is hard to accept. especially if the person standing in front of you is breathing, and still dead

that is how I learned to love without expectations. 

I can't expect her to love me in the way I want. I can't expect her to write, I can't expect her to listen, I can't expect her to understand, and I can't expect her to remember.

I know things must be tough for her too.

6? kids, and none are with her.

she is alone. she's always been alone, even when she had us.

I have a few very distinct memories of her, of her painting my nails, or curling my hair.

She was never really there, she was never really real. 

Schizophrenia means you create your own world, completely removed from reality. it's not necessarily a bad thing, I've done that to cope, a lot of people have. But when you can't come back to reality long enough to deal with life, you die.

Here is the thing about trauma. It doesn't exist around one place.
It hides in corners, and invades your personal space.
and it is constantly growing, until it is large enough to consume you.

The only way to shake it is to remember, that it is an illusion. it's a phantom memory. that is all

why is physical pain forgotten so easily, but emotional pain will come back just from a memory?

strange how we humans work.

There is nothing in this world that can hurt me more.

this photo is 1 month after my mom got arrested. I have the biggest smile.

These are my....

Strengths.

and these are my weaknesses


you have to let your weaknesses show, and be open, in order to have someone


"Fill them in"

fill in your empty space.
without negative space, there is not positive space, there is no substance.

so spread your fingers, and reach out


remember
everyone has a missing piece.

and it takes a lot of rolling around to find a fit.

Fill in the blank provided

without you I am _________________.

Friend or Foe

Time doesn't exist

it is a boundary set up by us to help manage our lives. 

I get flustered by the idea of time

because the more time that passes the more people enter

and leave my life. systematically 

obviously i am speaking of destiny. 

the magnetism to life

what keeps our wheels turning. 

and so on. 

So...

what makes me so scared of time

maybe it is that my aquarian parts get bored?

but i LOVE people. 

maybe a little too much

maybe its creepy. 

maybe that is why when I am hurt, by instinct I hide

from everyone

I have zero comprehension of "Long-Term" anything. It hasn't existed in my life. 

I have a few long term friends, that will always be friends

but our relationships have changed drastically over the years. 

My BEST friend from childhood, I am still very close to. 

But we have become VERY different people and we do not do nearly as much together. 

Why does that happen. Does that mean the people I am close to now, will be the same way in a few years? I don't want to loose more people. 

It feels like it all happens a lot faster now. Where I would make friends, and do crazy stuff, and build awesome relationships. I seemed to "move on" a lot easier when the time came. because I was constantly thriving from change. Heres the catch. I NEVER worried about moving on. I felt it was ALWAYS better for everyone. and I still feel like that. but where is the stability? I see people who have been friends FOREVER. and still do the same shit they did in highschool. What makes me so different? 

Why don't I have a constant?

Why do I feel the need to change so much, so often?

What is this thirst?

It's devastating because I do not have the funds to physically move all the time. and moving is extremely exhausting. 

Besides how can you insure *NOT* loosing yourself along the way.

and how do I cure the want to be alone and surrounded at the same time?

minus social networks, because that is just extremely unhealthy

I have gotten over the need to travel, a little. enough to not physically move myself, but just to travel. (well minus the au pair idea) 

this is exhausting. 

so...

anyway. 

This all started watching old videos of a friend, and seeing old film of other friends. And seeing how much they had changed. and Who they are linked to now, and how quickly things change now. 

It feels like this

*someone you are close to, almost suddenly stops talking to you. Not in a mean way, not to ignore you. But they are no longer a part of your inner circle. they have branched out. Suddenly you are not important. But maybe you weren't important the entire time, and it took a very long time to notice?

maybe that is the issue. feeling important.

I've let go of that on a public level, but maybe not a private level

this is sooo personal

but needed

so continue

I don't believe in therapy

yes I have mommy issues

yes I have detachment issues

yes I have daddy issues

yes I have post traumatic stress

yes I am schizophrenic

yes I am chaotic

these are not faults, I do not feel bad about them

These are not things I need to fix, I am not broken

what I do worry about is how it affects my prospective, and ultimately how it affects those closest to me

I am *aware* enough to not let my actions hurt others. (most of the time, misunderstandings are misunderstandings)

I live in Staunton for that reason. 

I like to be alone and among people all at the same time

Staunton is little, we are all family.

but we leave each other alone

makes sense right

"you love like no one I have ever met"

that's all I can do

-breathe the chaos

Welcome to the new age

it was made for us.

Money...
Some people so poor; all that they've got is money...
Oh, and diamonds...
Some people waste their life counting their thousands...

I don't care what they're offering...
How much gold they bring?
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...

Oh, castles...
Some people so lonely; what good is a castle
Surrounded by people?
But ain't got a friend that's not on the payroll...

Oh, and I don't care what they bring;
They can have everything...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...

All the king's horses and all the king's men
Came charging to get what we got...
They offered the crown and the offered the throne;
I already got all that I want...

All the king's horses and all the king's men;
They came marching through...
They offered the world just to have what we got,
But I found the world in you...
I found the world in you...

So darling, listen:
Your arms around me worth more than a kingdom...
Yeah, believe that
The trust that we feel the kings never felt that...

Yeah, this is the song that we sing...
We don't need anything...
They can't afford this;
This is priceless...

Can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
Can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...


http://youtu.be/ahsFa6AYRaQ

24 hours

This is where I will put my "ideas" for 24 hours. Starting at midnight. Every idea, concept, and theory will go here. Even ones from my dreams. I will make this live, and update as yhe day goes on. All systems go! I need brain food.
12:00am- fight or flight. That's a thought. We are so worried about having our worlds shaken up. What if chaos is the key to life? Maybe we'd hang on to each other more, our values will change. br /> 9:00am- is getting paid hourly really the smart way? Even with time banks....what is time? I have sat on my ass the past hour listening to music watching a Christmas movie. Yea and got paid for it. I'm not complaining but, wouldn't salary mske more since so I'm actually getting paid to do my job and not just getting paid to put in time. I mean yea...my time is worth more than $8/hr.

4:00pm- Im a slacker. actually I had SOOO much going on all day that I didn't even think about this. I am still at work and it has been crazy. I dislike christmas the more clusterfucked it gets. I love the idea, i love the traditions, but people are crazy. My kids are CRAZY today. I know it is the solstice, and all, but whoa.  And what really bothers me is while all this crazy was going on, I gave into it. Into the stress, into the chaos. It's a pattern. I forgot that this is a happy time, to share happiness. And got angry too quickly, yelled too much (the kids wouldn't go to sleep, so naturally yelling will help.) and it wasn't until my first kid got picked up, and his father was all lit up because his wife just had another kid and they brought him home today. and they gave me a gift card (which was unexpected because they are pulling Will out of my class) and I just was shocked that I had been so keyed up all day because i wanted to have a good party, and was trying to coordinate events and people. When life is rough right. lifes not fair. yadda yadda yadda. just love

5:00pm- today is the day of true colors. No wait. This year is the year of true colors. I am what I am what I am.

Comfortably the ugly duckling

Just a random thought before bed. I remember when I first reconnected with my siblings, I was 16. I felt like the ugly duckling of the family. My oldest brother was a 22 year old playa, handsome. My second brother was modeling at the time. Tall, tan, etc. And my little brother was just entering highschool, as a little jock. And here I was this dirty, little angsty goth girl. Awkward as hell. And confused with my own sexuality. U name it. I wonder how much of our genetics determines our physical appearance. I know I'm still a bit awkward and odd looking, but I'm 100% more ok with it than I was a few years ago. Did my older brothers go thru the same thing? One thing I really missed out on is growing up with my brothers. We seem so distant. But I think about them all the time. And I'm am aunt now. By blood. Weird thoughts. Time for sleep.

Happy thoughts

Never ending