it is a boundary set up by us to help manage our lives.
I get flustered by the idea of time
because the more time that passes the more people enter
and leave my life. systematically
obviously i am speaking of destiny.
the magnetism to life
what keeps our wheels turning.
and so on.
So...
what makes me so scared of time
maybe it is that my aquarian parts get bored?
but i LOVE people.
maybe a little too much
maybe its creepy.
maybe that is why when I am hurt, by instinct I hide
from everyone
I have zero comprehension of "Long-Term" anything. It hasn't existed in my life.
I have a few long term friends, that will always be friends
but our relationships have changed drastically over the years.
My BEST friend from childhood, I am still very close to.
But we have become VERY different people and we do not do nearly as much together.
Why does that happen. Does that mean the people I am close to now, will be the same way in a few years? I don't want to loose more people.
It feels like it all happens a lot faster now. Where I would make friends, and do crazy stuff, and build awesome relationships. I seemed to "move on" a lot easier when the time came. because I was constantly thriving from change. Heres the catch. I NEVER worried about moving on. I felt it was ALWAYS better for everyone. and I still feel like that. but where is the stability? I see people who have been friends FOREVER. and still do the same shit they did in highschool. What makes me so different?
Why don't I have a constant?
Why do I feel the need to change so much, so often?
What is this thirst?
It's devastating because I do not have the funds to physically move all the time. and moving is extremely exhausting.
Besides how can you insure *NOT* loosing yourself along the way.
and how do I cure the want to be alone and surrounded at the same time?
minus social networks, because that is just extremely unhealthy
I have gotten over the need to travel, a little. enough to not physically move myself, but just to travel. (well minus the au pair idea)
this is exhausting.
so...
anyway.
This all started watching old videos of a friend, and seeing old film of other friends. And seeing how much they had changed. and Who they are linked to now, and how quickly things change now.
It feels like this
*someone you are close to, almost suddenly stops talking to you. Not in a mean way, not to ignore you. But they are no longer a part of your inner circle. they have branched out. Suddenly you are not important. But maybe you weren't important the entire time, and it took a very long time to notice?
maybe that is the issue. feeling important.
I've let go of that on a public level, but maybe not a private level
this is sooo personal
but needed
so continue
I don't believe in therapy
yes I have mommy issues
yes I have detachment issues
yes I have daddy issues
yes I have post traumatic stress
yes I am schizophrenic
yes I am chaotic
these are not faults, I do not feel bad about them
These are not things I need to fix, I am not broken
what I do worry about is how it affects my prospective, and ultimately how it affects those closest to me
I am *aware* enough to not let my actions hurt others. (most of the time, misunderstandings are misunderstandings)
I live in Staunton for that reason.
I like to be alone and among people all at the same time
Staunton is little, we are all family.
but we leave each other alone
makes sense right
"you love like no one I have ever met"
that's all I can do
-breathe the chaos
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