How to live through it all

It's pretty simple.

       You just gotta smile, no matter what. 

No matter who is hurting you, no matter who is hurting themselves.

There is no pain quite like loosing your mother

in any form

death of the body, death of the mind. death of the soul.

death is hard to accept. especially if the person standing in front of you is breathing, and still dead

that is how I learned to love without expectations. 

I can't expect her to love me in the way I want. I can't expect her to write, I can't expect her to listen, I can't expect her to understand, and I can't expect her to remember.

I know things must be tough for her too.

6? kids, and none are with her.

she is alone. she's always been alone, even when she had us.

I have a few very distinct memories of her, of her painting my nails, or curling my hair.

She was never really there, she was never really real. 

Schizophrenia means you create your own world, completely removed from reality. it's not necessarily a bad thing, I've done that to cope, a lot of people have. But when you can't come back to reality long enough to deal with life, you die.

Here is the thing about trauma. It doesn't exist around one place.
It hides in corners, and invades your personal space.
and it is constantly growing, until it is large enough to consume you.

The only way to shake it is to remember, that it is an illusion. it's a phantom memory. that is all

why is physical pain forgotten so easily, but emotional pain will come back just from a memory?

strange how we humans work.

There is nothing in this world that can hurt me more.

this photo is 1 month after my mom got arrested. I have the biggest smile.