This..

Is my "I love you" face

Happy new year! 2013!

2013

This will not happen
Capeesh!

Darkness

Is my calm serenity.
Silence
This is a language, not meant for words
Feel my movement, understand
Without knowing
Your confirmation is my breathing
My dance was made for consuming

a million faces

A new project

face # 1- finished sketch to be transferred and painted on wood


going to revisit a few other sketches to re-create, then add NEW faces

but who?

A miraculous story

Ima tell you a miraculous story. Some of you already know. The daycare I work for has been on a VERY steep down hill slide, mostly financially, for the past 6 months. It started with a huge drop in enrollment, that was a result of the Federal Gov't cutting funds to needy families for childcare. I can't say I disagree with the gov't move on this one, If the parent is not working, then they do not NEED childcare. Too often I see parents who bring their kids in, and are still in pajamas themselves. Obviously not going anywhere or doing anything. (also Im fine with parents who are in school, getting aid from the system) It's infuriating not only because it irritates me that they are abusing the system, but the child knows that you are just "getting rid of them" for the day. To do whatever, and yea we all need me time, but not at that kind of cost.
anyway. That is what started this financial crisis.
Out of the blue, shortly after that (and after a series of child injuries, and my boss blaming her apathy on "depression") my boss announces that she is leaving town to go live in a city 12 hours away, because that is where her husband found work. She was leaving immediately, practically overnight.
She appointed two of the teachers to be "Directors" and bounced.
Leaving us in a building that was slowly slipping out of code, and a playground that is nearly bare because of code violations, and a dwindling enrollment.
Enrollment continued to drop as more and more parents took their kids to headstart, because it's free. Which hasn't been a problem in past years, but for some reason this year we lost HALF of our pre-K to public schools.
My room remained the same through this BUT, to solve a few problems in another part of the building, my boss took the second teacher out of my room and put her in another room. She then realized that I can do most of the work in my room, alone. And instead of giving me a full time aid, she put a part time aid in my room with me. first she was working 35 hours a week. Then she was working 30 hours, she finally had enough and quite realizing she might never have full time hours. So then I got another aid. who worked 30 hours a week. This is when my enrollment started dropping. Parents where confused by all the changes, and concerned. I have 5 kids on roll right now. The lowest I have ever had, ever.
By the time my enrollment hit 6, my aid was pulled from my room to assist other parts of the building.
I have been alone in my room since august.
I can not leave my room unless I get another teacher to leave her class to watch my kids, OR take my kids with me. which ever is easier. You can imagine the pains in needing to go to the bathroom.
Shortly after that our hours were cut (first week in September) we all had to give up a day a week.
I took fridays
This lasted until mid Nov. then we got them back somehow.
The payday before christmas (friday)
A handfull of our employees had their checks bounce.
Then we had an unpaid snowday (which was news to us, we usually get paid for snow days)
Then yesterday, we were told we would not be getting a paycheck this week. Due to lack of funds in the payroll account.
We were going to enter a bi-monthly pay system, effective immediately
It's right after christmas, we are all broke, and were expecting a paycheck to pay our rent on the first, which is tuesday.
And now we can't
due to no fault of our own
the miraculous part is that even after ALL OF THIS
we still showed up today
to work
and will still show up monday
even though we know we weren't getting paid today
and there is a high chance we might not get paid next week either
we were there
taking care of the kids

what was really beautiful is our attitudes
thursday we were all in shock, in a panic, sad, and hurt
and today, even though we were still strung out because of the stress and chaos
there was a deep sense of love between the workers.
Like we really cared for each other
Everyone was asking each other if they were ok, and if they got their bills rearranged
and there were a few moments where we would catch each other, just starring into space
lost in thought
and we'd laugh
because there just isn't anything else we can do

Mom

the thing I have noticed about parents is...

that they are alone and hurt and broken and scared

just as much as their children are.

Life doesn't just magically happen, and its NEVER particularly easy

so as christmas winds down into the night

and I think about giving.

I wonder what exactly would I give my parents if I could give them anything

so here it is:

DAD:

I'd give dad a partner. a perfect partner that understood his every move
and loved him unconditionally.

It took me a long time to realize how much my dad loved me, because it took me a long time to understand how he showed his love.

He is a strange bird, my dad. and he needs a strange bird to suite him.
I don't want him to grow old alone.
but he can't be with just anyone.
He needs someone patient, and very understanding.
Someone eccentric but grounded
someone who will love him even when the gnarly parts of his gemini comes out
someone who will give him comfort and stability, a concept that is foreign to him in relationships
preferably this lady would be blonde, and spontaneous, gotta keep him on his toes.
but not so out there that it drives him crazy, well too crazy ;)
that is what I would give my dad.
and then I'd get him a black thunderbird with white walls.
ahhh yea

MOM:

I'd create a world for mom. her perfect world. A perfect house, with nice cars.
a stocked fridge, and a large yard.
a husband for show, and some kids. Two. One boy, one girl. both with brown hair, and brown eyes.
I can picture the whole thing. I'd give her a $$ card, to go shopping with everyday. And her husband would make lots of money so there would be no way for her to max the cards. She wouldn't have to work, so she wouldn't be tempted to steal. She'd have everything she wants and needs.
I would give it to her if I could. She'd have to be watched. and only given limited access to the real world outside of hers. But I think she'd be just fine. in her own world.

Maybe if I am ever famous or in money. I can do these things for my parents.

But until then I will give them what $$ can't buy.
Love

Two years

Two years coming
Fate is not intentional
Two years coming
Solely unconditional
2 years, you knew
But less than ready
And I knew it too
My life, less than steady
2 years I tried
To ignore my thought
Your hands were tied
You couldn't be caught
2 years we spoke
Hiding longing and tears
Trying everything not to choke
This feeling is beyond my fears
I think about 2 years ago
And everything in between
All the places i'd go
All the things I've seen
2 years, your life
All your highs, all your lows
The double edge knife
Life keeps you on your toes
How did we collide in the first place
Why does it seem so free and easy
How did I miss what was in front of my face?
Life finds new ways to tease me
2 years later, now
Your in my inner being
I don't need to keep asking how.
Because I no longer have trouble seeing.

Christmas

My nanny says the damnest things
"Norbert will you please make the adjustment in your head!"
Dad needs his own talk show bc he talks too much. I mean hours!!!
Also...I can't cuss around nanny without her flinching its kinda funny BUT she doesn't flinch When I curse in german....I'm on to you nanny.

How to live through it all

It's pretty simple.

       You just gotta smile, no matter what. 

No matter who is hurting you, no matter who is hurting themselves.

There is no pain quite like loosing your mother

in any form

death of the body, death of the mind. death of the soul.

death is hard to accept. especially if the person standing in front of you is breathing, and still dead

that is how I learned to love without expectations. 

I can't expect her to love me in the way I want. I can't expect her to write, I can't expect her to listen, I can't expect her to understand, and I can't expect her to remember.

I know things must be tough for her too.

6? kids, and none are with her.

she is alone. she's always been alone, even when she had us.

I have a few very distinct memories of her, of her painting my nails, or curling my hair.

She was never really there, she was never really real. 

Schizophrenia means you create your own world, completely removed from reality. it's not necessarily a bad thing, I've done that to cope, a lot of people have. But when you can't come back to reality long enough to deal with life, you die.

Here is the thing about trauma. It doesn't exist around one place.
It hides in corners, and invades your personal space.
and it is constantly growing, until it is large enough to consume you.

The only way to shake it is to remember, that it is an illusion. it's a phantom memory. that is all

why is physical pain forgotten so easily, but emotional pain will come back just from a memory?

strange how we humans work.

There is nothing in this world that can hurt me more.

this photo is 1 month after my mom got arrested. I have the biggest smile.

These are my....

Strengths.

and these are my weaknesses


you have to let your weaknesses show, and be open, in order to have someone


"Fill them in"

fill in your empty space.
without negative space, there is not positive space, there is no substance.

so spread your fingers, and reach out


remember
everyone has a missing piece.

and it takes a lot of rolling around to find a fit.

Fill in the blank provided

without you I am _________________.

Friend or Foe

Time doesn't exist

it is a boundary set up by us to help manage our lives. 

I get flustered by the idea of time

because the more time that passes the more people enter

and leave my life. systematically 

obviously i am speaking of destiny. 

the magnetism to life

what keeps our wheels turning. 

and so on. 

So...

what makes me so scared of time

maybe it is that my aquarian parts get bored?

but i LOVE people. 

maybe a little too much

maybe its creepy. 

maybe that is why when I am hurt, by instinct I hide

from everyone

I have zero comprehension of "Long-Term" anything. It hasn't existed in my life. 

I have a few long term friends, that will always be friends

but our relationships have changed drastically over the years. 

My BEST friend from childhood, I am still very close to. 

But we have become VERY different people and we do not do nearly as much together. 

Why does that happen. Does that mean the people I am close to now, will be the same way in a few years? I don't want to loose more people. 

It feels like it all happens a lot faster now. Where I would make friends, and do crazy stuff, and build awesome relationships. I seemed to "move on" a lot easier when the time came. because I was constantly thriving from change. Heres the catch. I NEVER worried about moving on. I felt it was ALWAYS better for everyone. and I still feel like that. but where is the stability? I see people who have been friends FOREVER. and still do the same shit they did in highschool. What makes me so different? 

Why don't I have a constant?

Why do I feel the need to change so much, so often?

What is this thirst?

It's devastating because I do not have the funds to physically move all the time. and moving is extremely exhausting. 

Besides how can you insure *NOT* loosing yourself along the way.

and how do I cure the want to be alone and surrounded at the same time?

minus social networks, because that is just extremely unhealthy

I have gotten over the need to travel, a little. enough to not physically move myself, but just to travel. (well minus the au pair idea) 

this is exhausting. 

so...

anyway. 

This all started watching old videos of a friend, and seeing old film of other friends. And seeing how much they had changed. and Who they are linked to now, and how quickly things change now. 

It feels like this

*someone you are close to, almost suddenly stops talking to you. Not in a mean way, not to ignore you. But they are no longer a part of your inner circle. they have branched out. Suddenly you are not important. But maybe you weren't important the entire time, and it took a very long time to notice?

maybe that is the issue. feeling important.

I've let go of that on a public level, but maybe not a private level

this is sooo personal

but needed

so continue

I don't believe in therapy

yes I have mommy issues

yes I have detachment issues

yes I have daddy issues

yes I have post traumatic stress

yes I am schizophrenic

yes I am chaotic

these are not faults, I do not feel bad about them

These are not things I need to fix, I am not broken

what I do worry about is how it affects my prospective, and ultimately how it affects those closest to me

I am *aware* enough to not let my actions hurt others. (most of the time, misunderstandings are misunderstandings)

I live in Staunton for that reason. 

I like to be alone and among people all at the same time

Staunton is little, we are all family.

but we leave each other alone

makes sense right

"you love like no one I have ever met"

that's all I can do

-breathe the chaos

Welcome to the new age

it was made for us.

Money...
Some people so poor; all that they've got is money...
Oh, and diamonds...
Some people waste their life counting their thousands...

I don't care what they're offering...
How much gold they bring?
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...

Oh, castles...
Some people so lonely; what good is a castle
Surrounded by people?
But ain't got a friend that's not on the payroll...

Oh, and I don't care what they bring;
They can have everything...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
They can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...

All the king's horses and all the king's men
Came charging to get what we got...
They offered the crown and the offered the throne;
I already got all that I want...

All the king's horses and all the king's men;
They came marching through...
They offered the world just to have what we got,
But I found the world in you...
I found the world in you...

So darling, listen:
Your arms around me worth more than a kingdom...
Yeah, believe that
The trust that we feel the kings never felt that...

Yeah, this is the song that we sing...
We don't need anything...
They can't afford this;
This is priceless...

Can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...
Can't afford what we've got,
Not even the king...


http://youtu.be/ahsFa6AYRaQ

24 hours

This is where I will put my "ideas" for 24 hours. Starting at midnight. Every idea, concept, and theory will go here. Even ones from my dreams. I will make this live, and update as yhe day goes on. All systems go! I need brain food.
12:00am- fight or flight. That's a thought. We are so worried about having our worlds shaken up. What if chaos is the key to life? Maybe we'd hang on to each other more, our values will change. br /> 9:00am- is getting paid hourly really the smart way? Even with time banks....what is time? I have sat on my ass the past hour listening to music watching a Christmas movie. Yea and got paid for it. I'm not complaining but, wouldn't salary mske more since so I'm actually getting paid to do my job and not just getting paid to put in time. I mean yea...my time is worth more than $8/hr.

4:00pm- Im a slacker. actually I had SOOO much going on all day that I didn't even think about this. I am still at work and it has been crazy. I dislike christmas the more clusterfucked it gets. I love the idea, i love the traditions, but people are crazy. My kids are CRAZY today. I know it is the solstice, and all, but whoa.  And what really bothers me is while all this crazy was going on, I gave into it. Into the stress, into the chaos. It's a pattern. I forgot that this is a happy time, to share happiness. And got angry too quickly, yelled too much (the kids wouldn't go to sleep, so naturally yelling will help.) and it wasn't until my first kid got picked up, and his father was all lit up because his wife just had another kid and they brought him home today. and they gave me a gift card (which was unexpected because they are pulling Will out of my class) and I just was shocked that I had been so keyed up all day because i wanted to have a good party, and was trying to coordinate events and people. When life is rough right. lifes not fair. yadda yadda yadda. just love

5:00pm- today is the day of true colors. No wait. This year is the year of true colors. I am what I am what I am.

Comfortably the ugly duckling

Just a random thought before bed. I remember when I first reconnected with my siblings, I was 16. I felt like the ugly duckling of the family. My oldest brother was a 22 year old playa, handsome. My second brother was modeling at the time. Tall, tan, etc. And my little brother was just entering highschool, as a little jock. And here I was this dirty, little angsty goth girl. Awkward as hell. And confused with my own sexuality. U name it. I wonder how much of our genetics determines our physical appearance. I know I'm still a bit awkward and odd looking, but I'm 100% more ok with it than I was a few years ago. Did my older brothers go thru the same thing? One thing I really missed out on is growing up with my brothers. We seem so distant. But I think about them all the time. And I'm am aunt now. By blood. Weird thoughts. Time for sleep.

Happy thoughts

Never ending

prodigy

always a prodigy?
no not always.
Viewed as a leader, but always a prodigy, yeah

a second coming, reckoning of the age
age
my age? I'm ancient, that is why....
I AM NOT A FUCKING PRODIGY

suck

my

dick

I am here to defy authority, but what if I am the authority 0_o
this is my private life

Private, but I lust to share. No secrets.
My mind is everywhere, and one singular place, all at once.
it's a web, and our minds our a map
of the world
get it?
What you do, when you do, how you do, where you do
it all matters, to someone, somewhere, sometime.
Live fast, die young.
I wanna grow old, why the hell not?

Experience more, learn more, live more.
cocoon.
relax..
don't do it..

I am not a prodigy, but I have a lot to learn.
I have something to do.
not for me
and not for you
this... these words are shit, shit. shit.
I am not making sense, i have no wish to. this was started yesterday, when i couldn't finish it. and now as i try I am in a completely different headspace. I need to relax
unwind
where is my head at?
you know what they say, low end of high.
but it's worth it.

Can you?

Dig it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwavf40N4pk

never ever


ever never

can't even imagine

Disease

I must admit I like the attention.

the virus, disease 

I seem to crave your affection

to satisfy a need

I wonder, what is your intention?

I breathe in the ice from heartbreak,

a single breath will make your whole body shake

the sharp frozen shards of harmful words, and useless notions

I like to believe I am immune to these potions

trauma, the feeling, I know it well
I key into words, listen and i will tell
phrases, like fire that burns
intent, and the world that turns

"You see it's easy to fall, but staying is the hard part"
I am falling now, his voice holds my reflection
it's my history and my only obsession
How long until I hit the ground?
the breaking of my bones, the only sound.

You say you'll catch me, we'll see
but I wouldn't blame you if you decided to flee
We are human, after all
the pleasure is too great, so watch me fall.

this is reality.

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos_edit?ns=1&feature=vm-privacy&video_id=i0z1STDOlrM

Puzzle

If my heart was one
You'd be the only one who could....
Take it apart AND put it back together correctly

old findings

i am still sick today, so i am home trying to fight off the yuck.

So I found this in an old sketchbook that I am getting ready to throw away.

"Without you.... the ground thaws, 
                            the rain falls, 
                            the grass grows.
Without you...... the seeds root, 

                            the flowers bloom, 

                             the children play.

                            The stars gleam, 

                            the poets dream, 

                            the eagles fly, 

                            without you.
                             The earth turns, 

                             the sun burns, 

                             but I die, 

                         without you."

it is from Rent, the movie. <3

wounds

Wounds hurt, even while they are healing.


                                                    then they become scars, and even scars hurt on rainy days.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8rqqFMLQmLxupN_7-Y_E1kPL3HxninCAIuoh9R8eKRxAcJJvBwrpC9DFb21bGkiujQfyywrkZXEn-rzfChdj7YBXqVtl9rFbbkltyOU9F8s18rVAtBl2YiTYplKLfKGEhOiN0JFbtzik/s1600/carry+a+lot+of+scars.jpg


I am not alone in my period of mending
and it is none of your business, how these days I am spending.

Locked in

To fading memories

spin,

head heels

head heels

it doesn't end, I'm stuck on repeat

this is what we call tumblin'

tumblin, stumblin, picking up the broken pieces of our fragile minds

we are all rotten eggs

and all the kings horses, and all the kings men......

can't do what you refuse to do for yourself


get yourself together

fire

http://www.directlyrics.com/alicia-keys-girl-on-fire-lyrics.html

i have a love for alicia.

We all have a fire, it's completely natural to want to

watch

it

burn

Definition

There is a difference between knowing a definition and understanding it. The word today is
Family
I have a huge blood family. Many siblings, many cousins, all over the US. All over Europe. On a side not I have to paint jeebus as an Egyptian. I have so many projects to finish! Back to family... The first family I had was my best friends family, my safe place, when id run away. Then. I had the kronos family. That's my favorite XD. I miss them so much When Michelle died I felt like I lost my mom, a second time. I still care for all of who's left, daily. Many have babies, and are married. Some are in other cities or states. But we have something that can not be stolen. A history, a war. Then I stumbled into a international family , that keeps growing everyday. And even if we get ridiculous, and we will suffer from time to time. We are the alternative. (Obviously I have my favorites)

 Family. Is not what I was told it was. Its much much more.  Fact is I am tribal by nature.

That's not what makes you beautiful

2nd blog for the day.

I can't remember who said it to me. But it was said summer 2010. When I was at a very low spot in my life, after moving twice and being fired 3 times. We all know that story so I will no tell it. I remember I was confiding in someone, whom I can not remember now, all I remember is the amount of respect I had for this individual. I was telling him how bizarre my life had been. How I went from feeling like the ugly duckling of the "family" (my brothers and mother being so pretty) to suddenly modeling and being told I was beautiful on a daily basis. And how awesome and new that was. But I felt the need to be made up, lots of make up, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails. I sat with this man (who i feel was a lot older than me) telling him I didn't feel pretty anymore. My hair was short again, my acne was terrible, I never did my make up, and my nails where short and chipped. That is when he said "Charley, That is NOT what makes you beautiful. Your beauty comes from somewhere else."

All I remember is being stunned. shocked. offended. I felt at the time he was telling me that the make-up wasn't beautiful, or that I did not have outter beauty just inner. etc. etc. But about a month later, it set in. I knew what he meant, I can feel what he meant. I started to wear less and less makeup on the regular, I grew my hair out

21 years

I am out of breath. Thinking

thinking

thinking.
I breathe. like I have never consumed air.
It's slightly painful, but delicious.

It's not the sense of being reborn, my life was simply continued as this.

I know why I am here.
it has taken 21 years to figure it out, and now I hear you loud and clear.

this is why I came back, this is why I did it. On my death bed, staring into the universe.

play it out.

I feel life's pain, draining out of my soul. it's a chill, that pours out of my pores. like my heart is melting away. This is the fire within

i have fire in my soul
and I know you see it too.

no..i know you feel it too, because honestly so do you.
I'm here to light the fire, run with me. dance with me.

I was made to hurt, to hurt, and to cry. to suffer then to die.

only to come back, and fight.
to fight through the idea of social expectations, to be living proof that you can survive desperation

I'm still standing. After life's abuse and torment. After neglect and starvation



after death

I'm still standing
At this time, this day, this year.
I am here

2012

Words

I don't have them. This is....

Strange <3