Sunday, April 6, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Eb eb flow
Side note. Autocorrect says "Ed be flow" and I dig it.
People of the world thrive with me.
So u will survive with me
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Rotation
Is life more like a ferris wheel or merry-go-round?
we relive and repeat the same things
but we can never rewind, so
does that mean we learn?
are mistakes circumstantial?
a larger message must be found
How does one "let go"
how does one forget, and then forgive
it's hypocritical for someone to decide
something isn't as awful as they once thought
right?
Or are we built to let time rebuild us?
think about the foundation below,
once cracked, always cracked
Even the strongest house built on a weak foundation
will crumble
So the only option is to forget. Forget all of it
Because there is no origin
Maybe letting go goes as far back as that one time
momma forgot to give you your bottle!
Brains are impressionable. We are machines
far more tangible than we can conceive
our skin can withstand more than we believe
We are not meant to break
we are meant to build
I find myself spending too much time
worrying about slipping
falling into the same patterns that made me
miserable and sad.
I felt like I had surpassed pain, and
all other pain would be minuscule in comparison.
Pain tolerance comes from exposure correct?
Tough skin, less bruises
So which is it?
weak foundation?
tough skin?
both?
what is its origin...
where does it come from.
Scientist tell me my brain is under developed,
as a result of trauma and neglect.
Define trauma
Definitions come from lack of experience
because if you experienced anything close you would never want to name it
you wouldn't be able to
We can take a look at our modern day problems
and link them to shit that happened in our early childhood
then still refuse to acknowledge that WE ARE ALL AT FAULT
everything we do, everyday, will shape who we are
everything that other people do, everyday
WILL SHAPE YOU
you are a product of X amount of people functioning in X amount of ways
But we refuse to acknowledge that. Until...
someone looses it. Then all the fingers start pointing.
Who's fault is it that so and so finally cracked.
I will have you know we are all mental
we all have the negative traits
jealousy
hate
greed
ignorance
it is all in us. So is that how I let go?
To acknowledge that we are all bad.
I can't forgive myself for some negligent actions
and I know I'll never fully forgive the negligent acts done towards me
or the hateful acts
and the spiteful acts
the selfish acts
but I can acknowledge that we are all crazy, greedy, needy, spiteful, possessive, ignorant, and so on.
Even if accepting all of this as truth and trying to work with in its confides. I still have to deal with people who will not let go. Who will place their insecurities on me, and as a conscious individual Im suppose to just "swallow it". And move on, because I have already let go, and they have not. that seems fair.
The only way to live in this world is to never do anything wrong and always forgive everyone else for fucking up, consistently, because you know they will do it again. And in doing so they will believe that you fucked up, not them, and expect you to apologize.
It is possible that all of this originates from a poor childhood circumstance that "I just can't seem to let go of" but it's not like you can just toss it.
If it was as easy as setting down a pencil, or throwing a tennis ball. It would be done by now.
It is not. It's not even as easy as dissecting your own -whatever- and cutting all the tendons. Even that would be done by now. the problem is, you set it down, and the fucker jumps on your back as you walk away. Or you throw it out of a moving car, Drive home, just to find that fucker on your doorstep smiling. You drown the bitch, and the next day life is restored. You starve him, you stab him, you cut him, you burn him, and you abandon him and somehow... he comes back. He is relative, it/she/thing
doesn't matter what or who, they will come back. Even if you think the book is closed, the life is done. You have healed. They come back. And not subtly either. They come back with a vengeance. I guess that is when you should have the strength to say "leave me alone" but I haven't found that strength. As tough as my skin is. I don't have it. not yet. maybe that is the missing piece. I forgive
And while this is all happening. This back and forth struggle. Other people get caught in the cross hairs. And then you have a hand in their undoing. You unravel them, trying to figure out a way to sew up yourself. You can't learn to build an engine unless you take one apart? But you don't learn the first time. So you do it again, and again. And each time the engine is a little different. And you loose pieces. So you drop it and run. Never learning anything.
See you can't rewind, just restart, relive, and repeat.
we relive and repeat the same things
but we can never rewind, so
does that mean we learn?
are mistakes circumstantial?
a larger message must be found
How does one "let go"
how does one forget, and then forgive
it's hypocritical for someone to decide
something isn't as awful as they once thought
right?
Or are we built to let time rebuild us?
think about the foundation below,
once cracked, always cracked
Even the strongest house built on a weak foundation
will crumble
So the only option is to forget. Forget all of it
Because there is no origin
Maybe letting go goes as far back as that one time
momma forgot to give you your bottle!
Brains are impressionable. We are machines
far more tangible than we can conceive
our skin can withstand more than we believe
We are not meant to break
we are meant to build
I find myself spending too much time
worrying about slipping
falling into the same patterns that made me
miserable and sad.
I felt like I had surpassed pain, and
all other pain would be minuscule in comparison.
Pain tolerance comes from exposure correct?
Tough skin, less bruises
So which is it?
weak foundation?
tough skin?
both?
what is its origin...
where does it come from.
Scientist tell me my brain is under developed,
as a result of trauma and neglect.
Define trauma
Definitions come from lack of experience
because if you experienced anything close you would never want to name it
you wouldn't be able to
We can take a look at our modern day problems
and link them to shit that happened in our early childhood
then still refuse to acknowledge that WE ARE ALL AT FAULT
everything we do, everyday, will shape who we are
everything that other people do, everyday
WILL SHAPE YOU
you are a product of X amount of people functioning in X amount of ways
But we refuse to acknowledge that. Until...
someone looses it. Then all the fingers start pointing.
Who's fault is it that so and so finally cracked.
I will have you know we are all mental
we all have the negative traits
jealousy
hate
greed
ignorance
it is all in us. So is that how I let go?
To acknowledge that we are all bad.
I can't forgive myself for some negligent actions
and I know I'll never fully forgive the negligent acts done towards me
or the hateful acts
and the spiteful acts
the selfish acts
but I can acknowledge that we are all crazy, greedy, needy, spiteful, possessive, ignorant, and so on.
Even if accepting all of this as truth and trying to work with in its confides. I still have to deal with people who will not let go. Who will place their insecurities on me, and as a conscious individual Im suppose to just "swallow it". And move on, because I have already let go, and they have not. that seems fair.
The only way to live in this world is to never do anything wrong and always forgive everyone else for fucking up, consistently, because you know they will do it again. And in doing so they will believe that you fucked up, not them, and expect you to apologize.
It is possible that all of this originates from a poor childhood circumstance that "I just can't seem to let go of" but it's not like you can just toss it.
If it was as easy as setting down a pencil, or throwing a tennis ball. It would be done by now.
It is not. It's not even as easy as dissecting your own -whatever- and cutting all the tendons. Even that would be done by now. the problem is, you set it down, and the fucker jumps on your back as you walk away. Or you throw it out of a moving car, Drive home, just to find that fucker on your doorstep smiling. You drown the bitch, and the next day life is restored. You starve him, you stab him, you cut him, you burn him, and you abandon him and somehow... he comes back. He is relative, it/she/thing
doesn't matter what or who, they will come back. Even if you think the book is closed, the life is done. You have healed. They come back. And not subtly either. They come back with a vengeance. I guess that is when you should have the strength to say "leave me alone" but I haven't found that strength. As tough as my skin is. I don't have it. not yet. maybe that is the missing piece. I forgive
And while this is all happening. This back and forth struggle. Other people get caught in the cross hairs. And then you have a hand in their undoing. You unravel them, trying to figure out a way to sew up yourself. You can't learn to build an engine unless you take one apart? But you don't learn the first time. So you do it again, and again. And each time the engine is a little different. And you loose pieces. So you drop it and run. Never learning anything.
See you can't rewind, just restart, relive, and repeat.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Path/Plan
step one, get an associates. I need 60+ credits to get into the Uva BIS program anyway, I might as well have all the credits combined to have something to show for it. SOOO
after the move
1. meet with a councilor at Piedmont, layout plan to get up to 60 credits, currently I have 40+ give or take. See which ones transfer and what a solid path would be to achieve an associates that will transfer into the Uva BIS program well.
2. transfer in/apply whatever happens
3. get degree with a focus in social science or something of the like.
after the move
1. meet with a councilor at Piedmont, layout plan to get up to 60 credits, currently I have 40+ give or take. See which ones transfer and what a solid path would be to achieve an associates that will transfer into the Uva BIS program well.
2. transfer in/apply whatever happens
3. get degree with a focus in social science or something of the like.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Perception
Some people run from this
we all run out of it
be aware of the life you miss
only for your own benefit
time doesn't work this way
there isn't a definite start or finish
not like a game to play
as it revolves, our memories deminish
Every time the hourglass turns
the world turns too
you'd think we would learn
if somehow we knew
when our feet touch ground
remember to watch out
for that shitstorm sand mound
that's coming to put you out
and when it's over
get ready for the fall
we all run out of it
be aware of the life you miss
only for your own benefit
time doesn't work this way
there isn't a definite start or finish
not like a game to play
as it revolves, our memories deminish
Every time the hourglass turns
the world turns too
you'd think we would learn
if somehow we knew
when our feet touch ground
remember to watch out
for that shitstorm sand mound
that's coming to put you out
and when it's over
get ready for the fall
Monday, January 6, 2014
Not typical
But I had to put this somewhere easily accessible.
and where my boyfriend can see it
EASY, CHEAP, MOSTLY HEALTHY, MEALS THAT CAN EASILY BE MODIFIED TO BE VEGAN
finally figuring it out! a year later (shut up I'm 22 and learning how to adult everyday... so things like cooking, especially since I don't eat much, haven't been a priority. That and I have a great habit of making friends with good cooks ^_^)
Anyway
Go to "good" cooked meal Spinach and Tofu Manicotti!
wanna get fancy, buy stupid expensive vegan alfredo sauce! (worth it!)
estimated cost alfredo style: vegan $14-$15, makes two small casserole dishes full. 2 dinners, or 1 dinner and 2+ lunches)
Not vegan cost: $10-$11
NOT USING ALFREDO BECAUSE YOU ARE BROKE COST: vegan or not vegan... could be as cheap as $8!
and if you want to get super fancy you could buy cheese, peppers, mushrooms, etc. but not necessary!
next Beans and Franks!
not vegan cost: $2. its really good if you use the red hots! which are typically cheap
Vegan cost: $5-$7 depending on sales
you will most likely want to add a green to this meal to be healthy.
TACOS!
taco bell is always an option
but if you wanna DIY...
Vegan cost: $15 (roughly)
not vegan cost: $12 damn vegan cheese
good news is you will have tacos coming out your ears!
Pizza
This one can be tricky. Most canned ready to cook pizza crust is not vegan. One cool trick is getting croissants and using that instead, because that is vegan! and what I like to do is cook out of a muffin pan! So you can have little mini pizzas, and customize them to taste!
Vegan cost: (just cheese sauce and dough) $7-$8 more when adding more toppings
not vegan cost: $5-$6 not adding toppings
Chicken and Fruit Salad
Kroger sells these little prepackaged fruit and nut salads usually on sale, 2 for $5. This is a good idea bc otherwise you'd have to buy in bulk
all you need after that is a pack of chicken strips or patty-like things. Kroger has chipolte lime or mediteranian style ones that are super good and around $3-$4. so pretty good meal for under $10 (for 2)
coming soon
fun with lentils
that is all for now
and where my boyfriend can see it
EASY, CHEAP, MOSTLY HEALTHY, MEALS THAT CAN EASILY BE MODIFIED TO BE VEGAN
finally figuring it out! a year later (shut up I'm 22 and learning how to adult everyday... so things like cooking, especially since I don't eat much, haven't been a priority. That and I have a great habit of making friends with good cooks ^_^)
Anyway
Go to "good" cooked meal Spinach and Tofu Manicotti!
wanna get fancy, buy stupid expensive vegan alfredo sauce! (worth it!)
estimated cost alfredo style: vegan $14-$15, makes two small casserole dishes full. 2 dinners, or 1 dinner and 2+ lunches)
Not vegan cost: $10-$11
NOT USING ALFREDO BECAUSE YOU ARE BROKE COST: vegan or not vegan... could be as cheap as $8!
and if you want to get super fancy you could buy cheese, peppers, mushrooms, etc. but not necessary!
next Beans and Franks!
not vegan cost: $2. its really good if you use the red hots! which are typically cheap
Vegan cost: $5-$7 depending on sales
you will most likely want to add a green to this meal to be healthy.
TACOS!
taco bell is always an option
but if you wanna DIY...
Vegan cost: $15 (roughly)
not vegan cost: $12 damn vegan cheese
good news is you will have tacos coming out your ears!
Pizza
This one can be tricky. Most canned ready to cook pizza crust is not vegan. One cool trick is getting croissants and using that instead, because that is vegan! and what I like to do is cook out of a muffin pan! So you can have little mini pizzas, and customize them to taste!
Vegan cost: (just cheese sauce and dough) $7-$8 more when adding more toppings
not vegan cost: $5-$6 not adding toppings
Chicken and Fruit Salad
Kroger sells these little prepackaged fruit and nut salads usually on sale, 2 for $5. This is a good idea bc otherwise you'd have to buy in bulk
all you need after that is a pack of chicken strips or patty-like things. Kroger has chipolte lime or mediteranian style ones that are super good and around $3-$4. so pretty good meal for under $10 (for 2)
coming soon
fun with lentils
that is all for now
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