Rotation

Is life more like a ferris wheel or merry-go-round?
we relive and repeat the same things
but we can never rewind, so
does that mean we learn?
are mistakes circumstantial?
a larger message must be found
How does one "let go"
how does one forget, and then forgive
it's hypocritical for someone to decide
something isn't as awful as they once thought
right?
Or are we built to let time rebuild us?
think about the foundation below,
once cracked, always cracked
Even the strongest house built on a weak foundation
will crumble

So the only option is to forget. Forget all of it
Because there is no origin
Maybe letting go goes as far back as that one time
momma forgot to give you your bottle!
Brains are impressionable. We are machines
far more tangible than we can conceive
our skin can withstand more than we believe
We are not meant to break
we are meant to build

I find myself spending too much time
worrying about slipping
falling into the same patterns that made me
miserable and sad.
I felt like I had surpassed pain, and
all other pain would be minuscule in comparison.
Pain tolerance comes from exposure correct?
Tough skin, less bruises

So which is it?
weak foundation?
tough skin?
both?

what is its origin...
where does it come from.
Scientist tell me my brain is under developed,
as a result of trauma and neglect.
Define trauma
Definitions come from lack of experience
because if you experienced anything close you would never want to  name it
you wouldn't be able to

We can take a look at our  modern day problems
and link them to shit that happened in our early childhood
then still refuse to acknowledge that WE ARE ALL AT FAULT
everything we do, everyday, will shape who we are
everything that other people do, everyday
WILL SHAPE YOU
you are a product of X amount of people functioning in X amount of ways

But we refuse to acknowledge that. Until...

someone looses it. Then all the fingers start pointing.
Who's fault is it that so and so finally cracked.
I will have you know we are all mental
we all have the negative traits
jealousy
hate
greed
ignorance

it is all in us. So is that how I let go?
To acknowledge that we are all bad.
I can't forgive myself for some negligent actions
and I know I'll never fully forgive the negligent acts done towards me
or the hateful acts
and the spiteful acts
the selfish acts
but I can acknowledge that we are all crazy, greedy, needy, spiteful, possessive, ignorant, and so on.

Even if accepting all of this as truth and trying to work with in its confides. I still have to deal with people who will not let go. Who will place their insecurities on me, and as a conscious individual Im suppose to just "swallow it". And move on, because I have already let go, and they have not. that seems fair.
The only way to live in this world is to never do anything wrong and always forgive everyone else for fucking up, consistently, because you know they will do it again. And in doing so they will believe that you fucked up, not them, and expect you to apologize.

It is possible that all of this originates from a poor childhood circumstance that "I just can't seem to let go of" but it's not like you can just toss it.
If it was as easy as setting down a pencil, or throwing a tennis ball. It would be done by now.
It is not. It's not even as easy as dissecting your own -whatever- and cutting all the tendons. Even that would be done by now. the problem is, you set it down, and the fucker jumps on your back as you walk away. Or you throw it out of a moving car, Drive home, just to find that fucker on your doorstep smiling. You drown the bitch, and the next day life is restored. You starve him, you stab him, you cut him, you burn him, and you abandon him and somehow... he comes back. He is relative, it/she/thing
doesn't matter what or who, they will come back. Even if you think the book is closed, the life is done. You have healed. They come back. And not subtly either. They come back with a vengeance. I guess that is when you should have the strength to say "leave me alone" but I haven't found that strength. As tough as my skin is. I don't have it. not yet. maybe that is the missing piece. I forgive

And while this is all happening. This back and forth struggle. Other people get caught in the cross hairs. And then you have a hand in their undoing. You unravel them, trying to figure out a way to sew up yourself. You can't learn to build an engine unless you take one apart? But you don't learn the first time. So you do it again, and again. And each time the engine is a little different. And you loose pieces. So you drop it and run. Never learning anything.

See you can't rewind, just restart, relive, and repeat.