I am going to layout my story here. raw. and informal. this story is to be passed to each of my brothers so they can fill in the blanks sort of speak, and add their stories where they fall in the time line of events.
I have been trying to put this in writing for years. At least 10 if not more. The best part of this story, or rather the story is that it doesn't start with me. And it won't finish with me. Its a life story based on events that had little to do with me, but somehow I fell into the mix, the plan. The "whatever we are doing on this planet/time/space/existence."
I have all these memories, some very vivid and in full detail. Some are hazy, and confusing. And some, as I found out this year, are misinformed or materialized memories made from lies from my family. Regardless of their origins, these memories were all I had of my story in the beginning, and most of what I had until this year.
To start things off, I can bring you up to speed. I haven't seen my mother in 16 years give or take. I haven't seen my oldest brother since 2001, I briefly saw my next oldest brother a few months ago after not seeing him since 1998, I flew to salt lake city this year to see my younger brother graduate and hadn't seen him since he was 2, and that is where I got to meet my youngest brother for the first time. He is now 10.
Over that span of time, all I had was a handful of photos, some stories, and my memories. Keeping contact became increasingly difficult, being children. Many of us moving around a lot. Obviously before too long, we found each other on Facebook, thanks to the oldest of my younger brothers.
I always begin my story with a dream I use to have, its not the beginning of the story by a long shot but its a good example of how my entire childhood, and now adulthood has been. I don't remember having the dream before age 3. I dreamt I was in a white fluffy dress, possibly with lace, sitting on a very clean white rug, also fluffy. I could hear shouting from another room in the house, it was moving closer to me. I heard the voices round the corner. Shoes stomped around me, they belonged to a man and a woman. I looked up and recognized my mother. I followed her gaze across the room to a tall man with brown hair. I did not recognize this man. He was packing some bags, and when he was done he slung them on his back and walked over to me. My mother was still shouting. He picked me up, I looked into his eyes. They were green like mine. He said "I will come back for you." and sat me down. Then he left. I felt my voice ring out of my throat "DAAAAADDDDYYY!" I cried. The word felt foreign, unnatural but I kept screaming it. I climbed up the couch to look out of the window, the man had gotten into a blue car, and was driving away. I could feel tears on my face. I made my way to the door, and sat in front of it. Saying "Dad...daddy...daddy...dad" over and over, getting quieter as time passed. I was almost silent, when someone knocked on the door. A shock flew threw me. My mom came running into the room, and moved me away from the door. As she opened it I could see a tall thin silhouette of a man. I tried to focus my eyes, I could see dark hair. I stood up and shrilled "DADDDDYYY!" and ran to his open arms. I felt his hands wrap under my arms as he pulled me up into the air. "Dadddddyy!" In that moment I saw his eyes, and they were brown. I tried to retract myself from the man and I felt moms hand on my back, pushing me forward. "Look honey, she is already calling you daddy." That is when I'd wake up. I was the single most terrifying feeling I'd ever experienced. Not only was the dream terrifying, but waking up didn't solve my problem. The man who picked me up in the end of the dream was my dad, and the man who left in the beginning of my dream was a complete stranger.
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