Memory #James and the Giant Peach

This is a funny memory
it is when we lived on a Farm, that I was recently informed is IN montana. I thought it was in Oregon. But my childhood time line is all screwed up so, bare with me as I work out the kinks.

So Helena, MT. I might have been 4? I can not remember if Dalten was born yet or not, so that makes it hard. Most of my memories have him in them, so it is a little weird that he is not in this one. (which is kinda scary bc that means the bulk of my memories and stories come from 2 years of life so...wow) But I want to say he was born, because I vaguely remember a lecture from mom, telling me not to jump off the deck into the swamp because there were bugs, and I shouldn't set a bad example for my brother. So. theres that. but That could be another misplaced memory.

ANYONE on to the silly story
We had just moved in. All the lectures were over. (don't go past the mailbox, stay out of the swamp, only ride the horses if an adult is with you, leave the cows alone. blah blah blah) And I was set free to roam the place. It seemed like a log cabin. everything was wood. I remember this was the first time I lived in a place with brown walls. and all wood floors. and there was a front porch and a back deck. With sliding glass doors (which seemed to follow us to every house we lived in!) I can not remember if I was playing in the room that was suppose to be mine, or if it was a designated play room/ tv room or what. I have a faint memory of there being stairs, so im thinking the bedrooms were upstairs. but I have no memory of them OR the bathroom, which is odd. But anyway. After exploring the place a bit, I found myself in this room. A TV and a computer were hooked up. I remember my stepdad showing me how to play a video game on the computer. They revolved around nursery rhymes. "She'll be common around the mountain when she comes!" and such. I don't remember the actual game, or what the point was. But it was moderately entertaining. And by moderately I mean it kept me occupied for a whole 5 minutes. Then I started digging through boxes, in hopes that I found a movie. Because my favorite thing to do is watch TV. I tipped over a few boxes and made a few bangs. But finally I found the box of movies! The first movie I pulled out was "James and the Giant Peach" It looked interesting. And somehow it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Mars Attacks" which is a movie my mother could not stand. Which made it even better. So naturally I shoved that movie in the VHS, and sat two inches in front of the TV to watch the entire thing. The peach in the movie looked so good! It was juicy, and orange, and everyone was eating big sloppy chunks of it. I was literally drooling. So I stopped the movie and went to ask mom for a peach. I walked by the kitchen and saw the fruit bowl on the breakfast bar. IT HAD A PEACH IN IT. I slid one of the bar stools out and climbed up it, reached out for the peach, and wrapped my hand around it. It was furry.
shocked I dropped it. Then chased it across the kitchen to the glass doors. I picked it up and looked at the forbidden swamp. Either I was going to get in the swamp or eat the furry peach. I had to pick one, I picked the peach. The movie didn't have a furry peach, but I figured it was nothing and opened my mouth very wide and CHOMP! took a very large chunk out of it. It sat in my mouth for a second. I felt the little hairs touch my tongue. It was the most disgusting taste I had ever experienced. I quickly opened the glass door and ran to the edge of the deck and spit that nasty peach out! Then I threw my peach as far as I could into the mud. My mom came running out right after that. "What are you doing?" "You better not be trying to get in the swamp!" "Why did you throw that peach!"
After some confusion and chaos, Mom figured out all that had happened. and laughed her ass off. Then told my step dad so he could laugh his ass off. It was not funny to me. I was very upset.
My mom went into the kitchen and grabbed another peach. Then explained that you have to take the skin off, just like an orange, And then you can eat it. She peeled one for me, but I still wouldn't touch it. I did not try another peach until I was 9.

eyes on me

Sometimes I feel like everyone is watching
waiting
to see me break down
But I am the one waiting
waiting to break free
willing to let go
but intimidated by the eyes that are on me

I am aware of my symptoms
I've acknowledged my flaws
but I struggle with
the errors that are yours

If you can live with being you
why can't I live with being me
doing the things that you do
keeping your eyes on me

because I know you are watching
waiting
to see me break down
but I am the one waiting
waiting to break free
wanting to let go
but intimidated by the eyes that are on me

are you strong enough
to question
all that is defined by
your perception?

your outside the norm
yet I make you uncomfortable
outcasted from the outsiders
i'll never fit in

So you can keep watching
waiting
to see me break down
but i'm the one waiting
waiting to break free
ready to let go
just keep your eyes on me.

memory #watever.

I will either figure out a productive way to number these memories, to just resort to naming them
none the less.
I have a photo to go with this one, and will scan it in eventually

This is a very short memory, it's a memory of my 5th birthday. I believe this is the first time we came back to Great Falls after we started running. It was a brief visit to my grandma's and grandpas house. I am not sure where we were going, or where we were coming from. My only guess is that we might have been on our way to the house we got forced out of in the middle of the night... because we spend a spring and summer there. and then got kicked out and left a lot of our stuff behind. That is also the place we lost our truck. but that is another memory.
This memory is about my 5th birthday.

All I really remember is: having 2 cakes. One Barbie, and I believe the other one was just chocolate. (ill reference the photo) The barbie one was neat, because it was actually a barbie, and the cake was the gown on the barbie. It was my favorite. I also remember having pizza, our usual pizza, from little ceasars? possibly. A thin crust square pizza, cut into little rectangles. It was my favorite, and I'll have you know that is one of many foods I searched for when I moved to the east. one of many.

I don't really remember why I had two cakes, or why our visit was so short. I also seem to remember us getting there really late at night. (well for a five year old) And I believe Dalten was sleepy or sleeping... and like I said before, we were not there for long. Kind of passing through.

I don't remember any presents. But I do remember wishing Grandma would give me her glass slipper. I use to try and fit my foot into the glass slipper Grandma had on display in the china cabinet. My foot was always just a little too big. Which was natural since it was a perfume bottle and not an actual shoe!

I did not get the glass slipper. Although that might have been the year I got my giant penny.
Pennies are another memory. I got a giant penny AND a penny bracelet one year. Maybe it was that year? Maybe that was right before we moved to the house with the pink shutters, but I don't remember being at that house long either. but who knows.

save those memories for later.

my story part #-Cuffed at midnight

I can't number this memory, because it doesn't immediately follow my dream. The dream started when I was 3 and continued up to this point in my life. I had just turned 6, I believe it was spring, maybe summer. 1997.

My step dad was gone. He had left a week before.

I was told he was going to our new home, and we would follow
I was told a lot of lies

Dalten and I did not want to be alone that night, sleeping in the guest room of our grandmothers house.
The fish tank freaked me out.
So mom told us we could sleep in bed with her in the next room.

The bed was small, but we all fit.
Mom slept on the outer edge so we wouldn't fall off
I slept next to her, and Dalten slept next to the wall.

I did not have any lucid dreams that night. It was quiet, and everything was very still.
I was awaken by loud banging on the front door. And a mans voice. Shouting muffled demands.
When I opened my eyes I saw the room light up with alternating flashes of blue and red light.

I heard grandma open the door. I felt mom move.
I held on to Dalten.
Loud footsteps came down the hall. I heard my grandma say "Her children are in there with her. They are sleeping."
Then the lights came on.
They hazed my eyes,  temporarily.
The man said a few words. Things like "Get up. Your coming with us"
or something. He was talking to mom.
Mom and grandma both pleaded for them to be quiet so they wouldn't wake Dalten and I up. My eyes kept opening and shutting as I tried to force them to focus, and attempt to wake up.
The man that had mom was a police man.
He directed her to pack socks and underwear and nothing more. I rolled over to Dalten who was still sound asleep, and covered his ears.
Then I heard the handcuffs, and mom was taken away.
The lights went out. And soon the flashing lights disappeared too.

I was too scared to move. And still had a half sleep hanging on to me. My grandma came in to check on us. I stayed very still, and held onto Dalten. I did not know what just happened. And I didn't yet know that mom was not coming back. But I knew what just happened was not good. And for some reason I begun to cry.

As quietly as possible until I fell asleep.

Scars behind bars

Marks of time

dent my skin

rot my teeth

impair my vision

            A birth of crime

            our reality's sin

            this life of mine?

            where do I begin.

Twenty two years 

of holding this weight

fighting this fight

escaping my fate

            Words are useless, 

             in a manner of speaking

             I am speechless

            what am I seeking?

Brittle is stone

that is beaten

we are all alone

eat or be eaten

                as I sit here alone

                in a silent home

                this love is unknown

                and still....

                

      I am on my own.

                

                

my story-part 1-the dream

I am going to layout my story here. raw. and informal. this story is to be passed to each of my brothers so they can fill in the blanks sort of speak, and add their stories where they fall in the time line of events.

I have been trying to put this in writing for years. At least 10 if not more. The best part of this story, or rather the story is that it doesn't start with me. And it won't finish with me. Its a life story based on events that had little to do with me, but somehow I fell into the mix, the plan. The "whatever we are doing on this planet/time/space/existence."

I have all these memories, some very vivid and in full detail. Some are hazy, and confusing. And some, as I found out this year, are misinformed or materialized memories made from lies from my family. Regardless of their origins, these memories were all I had of my story in the beginning, and most of what I had until this year.

To start things off, I can bring you up to speed. I haven't seen my mother in 16 years give or take. I haven't seen my oldest brother since 2001, I briefly saw my next oldest brother a few months ago after not seeing him since 1998, I flew to salt lake city this year to see my younger brother graduate and hadn't seen him since he was 2, and that is where I got to meet my youngest brother for the first time. He is now 10.

Over that span of time, all I had was a handful of photos, some stories, and my memories. Keeping contact became increasingly difficult, being children. Many of us moving around a lot. Obviously before too long, we found each other on Facebook, thanks to the oldest of my younger brothers.

I always begin my story with a dream I use to have, its not the beginning of the story by a long shot but its a good example of how my entire childhood, and now adulthood has been. I don't remember having the dream before age 3. I dreamt I was in a white fluffy dress, possibly with lace, sitting on a very clean white rug, also fluffy. I could hear shouting from another room in the house, it was moving closer to me. I heard the voices round the corner. Shoes stomped around me, they belonged to a man and a woman. I looked up and recognized my mother. I followed her gaze across the room to a tall man with brown hair. I did not recognize this man. He was packing some bags, and when he was done he slung them on his back and walked over to me. My mother was still shouting. He picked me up, I looked into his eyes. They were green like mine. He said "I will come back for you." and sat me down. Then he left. I felt my voice ring out of my throat "DAAAAADDDDYYY!" I cried. The word felt foreign, unnatural but I kept screaming it. I climbed up the couch to look out of the window, the man had gotten into a blue car, and was driving away. I could feel tears on my face. I made my way to the door, and sat in front of it. Saying "Dad...daddy...daddy...dad" over and over, getting quieter as time passed. I was almost silent, when someone knocked on the door. A shock flew threw me. My mom came running into the room, and moved me away from the door. As she opened it I could see a tall thin silhouette of a man. I tried to focus my eyes, I could see dark hair. I stood up and shrilled "DADDDDYYY!" and ran to his open arms. I felt his hands wrap under my arms as he pulled me up into the air. "Dadddddyy!" In that moment I saw his eyes, and they were brown. I tried to retract myself from the man and I felt moms hand on my back, pushing me forward. "Look honey, she is already calling you daddy." That is when I'd wake up. I was the single most terrifying feeling I'd ever experienced. Not only was the dream terrifying, but waking up didn't solve my problem. The man who picked me up in the end of the dream was  my dad, and the man who left in the beginning of my dream was a complete stranger.