What happens when dreams cross over into reality?
Or visa versa
It started Halloween night. All day my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was running errands for my friends who were throwing a Halloween party that night. I had made a deal with a friend that we would both go to the party in our PJ's. The costume theme was supposed to be a "sexy" dress up party but... Defiant like we are. I wondered all day if he'd keep his side of the promise. My friend throwing the party wasn't too happy that I wasn't eager to participate in the sexy. I assured her that her costume was super sexy and anyone coming to the party that hasn't already slept with her would definitely want to. She kinda scowled at me and asked me to hang more decorations. Don't worry we are friends.
My pocket buzzed again. "When does the party start?" "Should I bring anything?" "Do I have to dress up" dammit ppl it's not even my damn party. There's only a handful of ppl I'm interested in seeing tonight, I wonder when they will show up?
I went out to grab some beer. When I came back everyone was either in the bathroom or out getting last minute stuff . All except for my ex boyfriends new girlfriend. Who had avoided me all day. The girl throwing the party had asked me to please be nice to this girl, because she was scared of ppl. When did I start hanging out with such ridiculous people. Why wouldn't I be nice to her? Poor girl us fucking a man who told me he wanted a vagina. I know how bad that sex is, talk about self loathing. So I sat down on the couch with her. "What are you watching"
"The Japanese version of the ring" "oh I've never seen it but I heard its better" "yea, what's your favorite scary movie" "I don't really have 1" then she gave me.
That look of what? A spooky without a favorite scary movie? So we ended our intelligent conversation. People started arriving. First trick or treaters. Then the party started. People brought beer, food, and of course sexy. Finally my friend in PJ's arrived with a beautiful couple. I hugged them all. The couple went downstairs and my friend in PJ's stood in front of the TV. My ex finally came out of his bedroom. Laced in a corset, wearing poorly done makeup, a mini skirt and fishnets. Telling everyone how excited he is to be transgendered. Self discovery is the most powerful thing, but I hate when it's used to classify. I wish I could say he's still in treatment, still going to a therapist, and still moving forward with his gender change. But that's the thing, he never intended too. I glanced into the living room, mr. Pj's was still watching tv. I ran up and gave him a hug from behind. I clung for a second, to the familiarity of the motion. Then said "hey let's go downstairs" we both went and I grabbed a beer and a cookie. People where dancing and we formed a dancing train. And everyone was laughing. I went and sat with Mr. PJs and a few friends. It was going to be a good night.
I got up to check out the rest of the party. People were drunk, some were high, some were sleepy. I quickly got bored and made my way back down stairs. Mr. Pj was gone. I asked a few ppl and they said he went upstairs a few minutes ago. I checked upstairs and someone said he went out the front door. So I ran out front. I didn't see anyone do I ran to the end of the road. I looked up the street and down. I didn't see anyone walking. Where the hell did he go so fast ? I texted him. He text back that he was sorry, he had to leave. And that he would explain everything later. I went back to the party. The rest of the night wasn't bad, I won funniest costume. And ran into an old ex of mine. Saw a few people I haven't seen in a while. But I can't say I wasn't bummed. The beautiful couple that came with mr. Pj decided to leave as well, feeling rather uncomfortable. Shortly after they left I left too. As sleep started to invade my thoughts.
I wanna say that the actual party was more like the dream, where we dance in the sand and run in the water. Where anyone else at the party doesn't matter.
That is what we create together, a mix. To you I'm your light to your dark. To me your my peace to my chaos. Without the balance life becomes a dark and twisted place.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Perception
A status on Facebook which I had decided to make a blog.
"I just realized that my life has hit an "even" point. Where for a very long time my life was full of insane highs and devastating lows, it is now "even". not saying there are not highs and lows, there still are but not as severe. Some of the reasoning behind that is that I don't let so much bother me, but at the same time my life is less chaotic and has been since early 2012. At that time I thought I was suffering from post traumatic stress or something because even if I still felt the anxious need to get things done quickly and cramming as much into my life as possible, I became more able to choose what I wanted, which seemed to free up a lot of my life. I still go through periods where I find myself taking on too much, or get wrapped up in the stress of everyday life, but it is no longer an everyday problem...."
I still panic about not having enough time and energy on a daily basis. Why can't I work 14 hours, and still look "good". As in good make up, clean clothes, good hair, healthy, well rested. Instead I work 14 hours and look like a train hit me. Even after 8 on some days I look like that. EVEN if I wake up early enough to brush my hair and throw on some eyeliner (which only happens 25% of the time)
This troubles me.
I try to fill the gaps, as in "Well I have a 40 minute drive to work, so I am going to learn german while I drive" and then I get angry when at the end of the week I don't know any more german than when I started. X_X
OR I plan my drives. If I am "heading that way anyway" I am going to stop here and here and get this and do that. AND 99% I only am able to do 50% of it, either forget the rest or run out of time and/or energy.
I hate running out of energy. and synthetic energy doesn't help much anymore. It helps once or twice a day, once I get on my third cup of coffee, or third caffeine source I crash hard.
I REALLY get irritated when people ask me what I "got going on" on the weekends. I just wanna look at them and say "Sleep" because that is ALL I THINK ABOUT
ok that is a lie, but I do LOVE sleep.
I am starting to think I am over working my brain and it is creating the illusion that I am tired, which is crushing my immune system and therefore I am sick often. *cough
So, to fix this problem I AM going to learn mediation, for real. I can't *kinda* meditate. it has to be spot on. I have to understand how to be mindful, and not mind full.
I need to balance my brain so at any given second I am not crunching numbers from bills/bank accounts/pay checks. Or I am not pricing different options for clothing, concert tickets, plane tickets, gas mileage, shoes, vehicles, etc. Or Im not planning my life out to age 60 and beyond, or Im not thinking about every art project, social project, personal project.
How do I stream line, how do I focus my aquarian brain. I use to be able to keep up with it. It was hard but I could do it. Now I can not. now the balance is off. My brain is working too fast and my life is not fast enough. My body is too tired because my mind is taking the energy my body needs to fuel it.
is this crazy?
numb and dumb
tonight-my brain-a summary
its friday night. Im too tired to do anything. Tomorrow I need to wake up before 10 so I can shower. I need to pack an overnight bag, I should pack books and paint so I can read and paint my leather jacket, I need to bring my laptop so I can write and edit, I should bring my camera as well. I need to bring emergency foods because of the event I am going to this weekend. I need to call ntelos and adjust my account, I need to get to the bank to put monies in it. I need to print my teacher bio for the wall. I would love to...
blah blah blah
writing it down helps and makes it feel like its not so much
its not.
thats the problem. it's not enough for my mind, but my mind moves so much faster than my body, and my life, and my finances (LOL)
is it like this for everyone?
"I just realized that my life has hit an "even" point. Where for a very long time my life was full of insane highs and devastating lows, it is now "even". not saying there are not highs and lows, there still are but not as severe. Some of the reasoning behind that is that I don't let so much bother me, but at the same time my life is less chaotic and has been since early 2012. At that time I thought I was suffering from post traumatic stress or something because even if I still felt the anxious need to get things done quickly and cramming as much into my life as possible, I became more able to choose what I wanted, which seemed to free up a lot of my life. I still go through periods where I find myself taking on too much, or get wrapped up in the stress of everyday life, but it is no longer an everyday problem...."
I still panic about not having enough time and energy on a daily basis. Why can't I work 14 hours, and still look "good". As in good make up, clean clothes, good hair, healthy, well rested. Instead I work 14 hours and look like a train hit me. Even after 8 on some days I look like that. EVEN if I wake up early enough to brush my hair and throw on some eyeliner (which only happens 25% of the time)
This troubles me.
I try to fill the gaps, as in "Well I have a 40 minute drive to work, so I am going to learn german while I drive" and then I get angry when at the end of the week I don't know any more german than when I started. X_X
OR I plan my drives. If I am "heading that way anyway" I am going to stop here and here and get this and do that. AND 99% I only am able to do 50% of it, either forget the rest or run out of time and/or energy.
I hate running out of energy. and synthetic energy doesn't help much anymore. It helps once or twice a day, once I get on my third cup of coffee, or third caffeine source I crash hard.
I REALLY get irritated when people ask me what I "got going on" on the weekends. I just wanna look at them and say "Sleep" because that is ALL I THINK ABOUT
ok that is a lie, but I do LOVE sleep.
I am starting to think I am over working my brain and it is creating the illusion that I am tired, which is crushing my immune system and therefore I am sick often. *cough
So, to fix this problem I AM going to learn mediation, for real. I can't *kinda* meditate. it has to be spot on. I have to understand how to be mindful, and not mind full.
I need to balance my brain so at any given second I am not crunching numbers from bills/bank accounts/pay checks. Or I am not pricing different options for clothing, concert tickets, plane tickets, gas mileage, shoes, vehicles, etc. Or Im not planning my life out to age 60 and beyond, or Im not thinking about every art project, social project, personal project.
How do I stream line, how do I focus my aquarian brain. I use to be able to keep up with it. It was hard but I could do it. Now I can not. now the balance is off. My brain is working too fast and my life is not fast enough. My body is too tired because my mind is taking the energy my body needs to fuel it.
is this crazy?
numb and dumb
tonight-my brain-a summary
its friday night. Im too tired to do anything. Tomorrow I need to wake up before 10 so I can shower. I need to pack an overnight bag, I should pack books and paint so I can read and paint my leather jacket, I need to bring my laptop so I can write and edit, I should bring my camera as well. I need to bring emergency foods because of the event I am going to this weekend. I need to call ntelos and adjust my account, I need to get to the bank to put monies in it. I need to print my teacher bio for the wall. I would love to...
blah blah blah
writing it down helps and makes it feel like its not so much
its not.
thats the problem. it's not enough for my mind, but my mind moves so much faster than my body, and my life, and my finances (LOL)
is it like this for everyone?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)