The life I can't have

Prince Charming. I grew up with that idea...sort of.

I remember being told I was a princess, act accordingly. Look the part, be the part. Aim high. Be intelligent, but equally as pretty. etc etc. 

This has stuck with me even as I changes from prissy pre-k, elementary tom boy, ecentric middle schooler, and bohemian highschooler, and now eclectic young adult.

Where is my prince charming?

I let go of that notion somewhere between middle school and junior year. the first time. I had my heart broken. I will never know that balance of being needed and needing someone. How it is forever equally unequal. Towards the end of high school I found myself in a serious predicament. I was in a serious relationship, with a beautiful naive person. 

I felt that I had to make a choice for both of us, since he wasn't going to. I ended the relationship 9 times. explaining how it wasn't right for me to just leave him to go to college, and how I should not expect him to follow me when he graduates in 2 years. etc. etc. 

each time we'd split, we'd find each other. My father said we were like two magnets, no matter how far you throw them opposite ways, they always end up smacking right back into each other. 

I did not account for what was going to happen next. 

I did not end up leaving town for college, which pleased my lover, but broke my heart. 

I became very very unhappy with my life, bored. Seeking change, experience, something new. 

I got more than i bargained for. I ventured to charlottesville very often. revisting a club i remember being taken to by the person who first broke my heart. 

I found a new family, and some how my knight in shining armour. showing me a new way to see the world, and a new way to live in it. I had nothing but time, and money to blow. So I followed him blindly. And fell in love. My relationship at home had been crumbling from the cracks of "on again, off again". During one of the off again periods, I found myself wrapped up in a new life, outside of my own, chasing my dreams around the life of another. I felt that it was the best move to not go back on again with my previous lover, which he of course found debilitating. I explained how tiring it was to constantly break up, start over. and how unhappy i was in such an unstable relationship with no future. 

the rest of that specific story is history, in flames. 

I often think back to that series of events and sometimes I wonder if I had made other choices if I would have ended up happy in the long run. The thing is, I don't think I would be. My highschool lover is now married, works for his dad, typical small town stuff. His wife seems very happy, and yet every time I speak to him, he is not. (I have sense then stopped speaking to him) 

If i was his wife, seeing as his dream was to be married and have kids..., i know I'd be miserable. seeking more. There has to be more, there is always more. But so many people are content with typical. Married couples in staunton va (average) fuck twice a week, 5-10 minutes each time, usually on the weekends. (most also have kids) They shop at the mall, buying clothing they think they need, pots and pans they hope to cook with some day, and dishes for when the inlaws come over. They also go out once a week to, fan pick, Massaki. Because it's just expensive enough to be considered fancy, even though it is cheap oriental food that is cooked by barley trained chefs. The only cool part is that is is cooked right in front of you by a performer. Which was cool, when I first saw it when I was 11. You can only see so many onion volcanoes before you say... "ok, and?". And it definitely does not constitute the price. your paying for barely fried veggies and rice. (don't trust the meat) it's also only fun when the chef doesn't speak english or doesn't speak at all. I went about a year ago, and the dude was white, with full sleeve tattoos (the most interesting thing about this guy), and all he did while he cooked was explained how he was trained (it was a 10 week training program blah blah blah) and he didn't even do any cool tricks. I wanna see you throw some knives around, make some fire! come on man! A ten week program...that's it? that is really it. I wanna watch someone who has been training for years, not weeks. ok that rant is over back to my point.

There is so much more to the world. When I marry I want to travel with that person. I get home life, i understand making the best of something (since everyone is tight on money anymore). But doesn't anyone else see this merry go round of nonsense? 

it's like this mentality is ingrained in us

teenager-be as crazy and stupid as possible because once your 18 its all over (wft? what happened to mature teen agers who are making a difference?)

young adult-still crazy, but find a job, make some money

make some money so you can find a girl

find a girl, take her on dates, but don't get her pregnant.

yet

because that really doesn't matter your going to marry her either way

buy her an engagement ring, a real nice one (not that it actually looks nice, just make sure it costs A LOT)

then buy her a wedding band, make sure it costs at least twice that you paid for the engagement ring.

I hope you are climbing the corporate ladder at work because if you thought rings cost a lot....

here comes the baby. 

see where i am going? And everyone is happy with this? and the ones who aren't are usually really out in la la land, being drug abusers, alcoholics, super radical, non conformist, that have great ideas that hold no weight because it doesn't look like they choose to live the way they do, it is almost they have to live the way they do because they can't do any "Better". (better in the since of normality) which is extra frustrating. I CAN live like the typical staunton people. I can be a "homemaker" I joke that I can't cook, clean, grocery shop, but I can. I don't particularly like it. but I am making thanksgiving dinner and pretty stoked about that. But as for every day, that shit is ridiculous...

I want to marry, and I want to have a partner, but a partner means an equal. someone who is as strong as i am, and as weak, who balances out my negative with positive, and visa versa. Someone who has the fire to seek out new things. Adventure. smart risk taker, planned, posed. calculated spontineity, 

where's your head at? obviously not here.