Quickly now

Theres not much time
either you have time
or you have money
never both.
and sometimes you have nothing
and sometimes you have time
and no money.
that is the worst ya?

But that isn't the issue. Not at all
I realized yesterday that I have a number of defense mechanisms.
One is forgetting. Having no memory of a time or place, because Its too painful.
another is preoccupying my mind to avoid conscious thought. or better subconscious thought
As in become so fucking busy that you literally can't be bothered with anything that is not work
or anything that has to be done.
I have done this my whole life. Instead of completely facing and dealing with a situation I first ignore it. It didn't happen. Then I make up a fantasy about how it happened, dramatize the situation to my benefit. I am no longer the child who got beat mercilessly with a bible, but instead the child who smacked the shit out of the bitch who hit me in the first place. (not entirely false, I did hit her once...)
but you get it.
OR I deny that it ever happened. And "move on" with life
I make sure I pack my days full of "to do".
From the moment I wake up in the morning from the moment I fall asleep, every minute must be occupied. Even if I am alone to do so.
So for example.
7am wake up
get ready, dressed, cleaned, etc
7:45 leave for work
8work
12:30 lunch break (i pack the lunch break full with errands to avoid down time)
5 off work
5:15 second job
6:30 off second job

then the rest of the night consists of either doing yet another job until about 10pm OR I race home to make dinner for the roommate or lover or whatever. Or have to clean, or paint or draw, or dance, or ride my motorcycle, dye my hair, cut my hair, paint my nails, do laundry, call a relative, etc. And sometimes I even add in an event, such as a concert, bar night, or club night to occupy any free hours until my body gives out and I fall asleep.

my life is fun no doubt. Some of this has changed however. I am allowing myself complete downtime. Which is resulting in a lot of confused people who knew I'd always hang out regardless.
I don't see my friends as much
but at least I can think and maybe sort or 21 years of shit in my brain
yes?
where I thought art was doing that for me, art was and is simply another distraction.
 I am currently trying to make it a legit outlet, but still can't completely expose my heart to the world. I guess I know they are not ready.

Its make or break right?

but I am too tired to keep living like this.

so give in I must.

Hello world it's been a while