23

I'm just figuring this out

And I don't know what to say

I don't know what to say

I don't know what to say 

I'm not part of your game 

Bc I don't know how to play 

Dance floors

The perfect recipe for a dance floor I think, would be very similar to R2. Maybe, I got spoiled by it. Let's talk about other venues. The Jefferson- I love the set up and the aestetic. The dance floor is good, and supports live music set ups, which instantly promotes crowd dancing. But dancing to a band isn't the same as dancing to a dj bc you are playing off the band. And you are also watching the band... As are the rest if the ppl, and if your nice you don't wanna get in their way too much. Next up... Let's see.. The annex. I love the set up of the annex, and since they support live music their set up is very catered to that, but not to a DJ. Infact, I am often uncomfortable dancing bc you are right in front of a very awkward DJ. And since goth nights are my favorite, you often dance on a pretty desolate dance floor. So it's literally you and the DJ. They have a loft, idk how big, but I feel like something else could be done. Bc otherwise the set up is almost perfect. Next is impulse. I like how impulse hid the dj both. They are still there right off the dance floor/stage but you can't immediately see them, there is a wall between you two. But that dance floor/stage area is... A bit confusing. Especially on nights that they support both a band and a dj. Bc you watch the band on the stage. Then you dance on it. I know that is a bit nit picky, and this issue is something you'd get use to pretty quickly, and can add to the "I'm a regular" thing. Jumping back to R2. Not rapture, bc the rapture dance floor is literally the fucking walk way to the bathroom. So you are constantly having ppl walk through. The rest if rapture is the bar, pool tables, and high top tables. Plus, bc of the nature if the nights they have. If I muster up the balls to dance, regardless of circumstance, chances are some drunk girl, (on any side if the spectrum) or a drunk-pushy dude will start invading your space. In whatever way they see fit. 

See, what R2, the Jefferson, and arguably impulse had in common is that the dance floor is protected on 3 sides. But like I said. The Jefferson is geared towards band, and at impulse you dance on the stage. R2 also had the bar on the side of the dance floor. Which a lot of ppl didn't like. I think it has as many pros as it does cons. There was also a projector. So the visual entertainment wasn't just watching other ppl dance. And while you were dancing you could look at something other than other ppl watching you. Which helped when you just wanted to fade out and fucking dance. Lastly R2 has a balcony. That was the best. You could watch from an entirely different platform without being right on the dance floor. Or you could just chill. 

R2 I miss you

A passion

It's come to my realization that I don't really have a dream. A dream like "someday I'll be an astronaut!" Even as a little person I was content with just being. More than content. But happy, serene. Which made me flexible enough to survive the life I had to live. But somewhere I lost that, because people preached success...pride...responsibility. Maybe that's just called growing up. But maybe it was a fundamentally crippling experience that lead to a break in my faith in life. A break that shattered my ability to trust anything that I didn't have a hand in. This is arguably good because it also made me less vulnerable, gullible to a nasty world. But in the same breathe it made me a part of it. I don't want to bite the hand that feeds, because I completely enjoy my quizzical and analytical mind. And even so I can careful and calculated, I'm often careless and impulsive. And in those times, by some miracle, things work out. I get lucky. I'm talking about doing the same careless actions many girls, even in my area (and it's not gender specific, I won't get into the predator prey theories) and those girls are now dead. Fantasy would say I have a guardian "angel". 

But, to get back on topic, I don't have a dream. I have lots of things I want to do. But a dream, that I can achieve and feel good dying for/about/after completion...

It's just not there. The idea of life is too tantalizing to compare it to anything material or superficial or even (as I struggle to say) single perception based. Meaning if it's not something that will benefit all man kind... Is it worth dying over? No. Being the worlds most sought after graphic artist... Fun but meaningless

Having the coolest band, or being a famous, or something. The only thing about fame is visibility, a platform, and limited power. Alicia keys, does it right. Erika badu does it right. But many others do nothing with the platform they are given. So... Dreams. Do I need them?

Show me

s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

keep playin', you don't know me
keep watchin', maybe you'll see
this life, sure don't come easy

Baby if you got the key, you don't need to creep.

s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

my life, collides with my art
two worlds I can't keep apart
come here, only if your smart

If you don't have a heart, I think it's time to start.


s-s-s-show me what you got s-s-s-show me what you got

I'm a boxer

I keep my dreams locked in a box aaabcccb
7...6...7...10

i keep my dreams in a box
heavy chains and pad locks
a story that only god mocks

take a breath in now, the story begins. 

Livin' life like its fast pace
Heathens in a mad race
Stay running onto home-base

 keep your facts straight cause everybody sins

I'm a boxer, set up the bouts

first win and the whole crowd shouts

hit em up hit em up hit em up 

block a few hits, take a blow

keep on standing its part of the show

Knock em out knock em  out 

K then O

Standing on a pedestal 

a bike you can't pedal

may be a bit skeptical 

anythings possible, with a good lie 

Loose balance, and break your crown

it's ok, we all fall down

it's just life in a small town

Just keep on smiling, ignore the black eye

I'm a boxer, set up the bouts

second win and the whole crowd shouts

hit em up hit em up hit em up

block those kicks, take a blow

keep on standing, it's still a show

knock em out knock em out

K then O

Make things

I just want to make things. Create. Build, change, alter, restore, renew. All of it. I'm good at making things. But things become heavy. So things get left behind, so what can I make that isn't heavy? Money, I can make money. Hey I'm good at that too. But money isn't enough, I still need to make things. All the things. I think u could work endless hours making things. If I could without it risking day to day failure at grown up tasks like getting up for work, id do it. The best artist statement I've ever heard was from a kid in my class. "Why does god get to be the only one that makes stuff. I wanna make stuff too!" 

 

Think back

When I really think Back, I wouldn't change a thing. Except my step mom, I'd love to delete her from my life but you know... How many kids can say they pranked their authorities soooo much and essentially got away with it. Yea I was grounded all the time, regardless of the pranks too... But either way, worth it. Oh the stories. Maybe she was my buffer to the cruel world. I had six years of conditioning to deal with this bullshit! Every mistake I can think of, brought me lots of tears and agony, but also made me a friend, or gave me opportunity to grow. And it's sad that in order to make ourselves open to the possibilities we have to make drastic changes in our life or attitude and understand that those close to us will not be along for the ride. Choices we make everyday. All of us. No one is exempt. Remember we were all innocent victims once. 

I talk about my dad, and how irritating it was that he pulled me away from the majority of my family, then tried to get me a stand in mom (insert evil step mom), and went through a few years of depression during a crucial part of my adolescent development... But also how inspiring he was through it all. He ended up teaching me (most likely unintentionally, because that's our family in a nutshell- accidentally awesome!) he taught me how to be aware, understanding, analytical, and fair. Even If he wasn't those things as much as he could have been. He took a brat, a spoiled brat, and turned her into a bit less of a brat... With a very open view of the world. My dad isn't biast, he's not quick to judge but he is quick to talk so he often says the wrong thing and it sounds judgemental but dad is far from it. I remember him explaining things to me like skin color, and souls. And how all living things have souls, and all of our souls are the same and so on. I remember him giving me hot wheels and a big track. We clamped that track down everywhere. And races cars, and he never got tired of it. He was definitely my protector. He saved me from drowning twice. Even so I never did trust him while he held me over the water. Dad was a balls to the wall kind of teacher though. It was fight or flight, Except he would stand behind you so you couldn't back out or run away. So it was more like "guess I'm doing this" I remember being so ashamed that my dad saw me at school, in first grade, and I was unable to do a single chin up. I worked all summer that summer and by the end of it I was doing 13 chin ups. 7 years old. I remember getting the chicken pox, I had it between my fingers. Dad broke a straw, placed it between the infected fingers and taped the fingers up. I walked around looking like "we come in peace". I had lice that year too (dad couldn't catch a break) and they told him to comb mayonnaise through my hair.... Yea... Yuck. A whole jar of mayo later I was bug free and about as oily as a pepperoni pizza. Speaking if hair and fashion, Dad also didn't care about what I dressed like. As long as I liked it. The only thing he fussed about was me trying to wear flip flops in the winter. Oh I had to explain the "twit flick" the other day to my boyfriend. It's something my dad came up with. Essentially when someone is being a twit, you flick them on the forehead. Right in the middle. I had to explain to my boyfriend why I flick him in the head so much. My point is the alternative to that life would've could've been, a house with two parents and my brothers (which is give anything EXCEPT my dad And nanny for) my brothers that is. I could care about two parents... But two patents would mean family dinners, family vacations, family outtings that kind of life. As opposed to fish sticks and koolaid watching scooby doo. Or liver (yuck) and greens (yuck) because payday  is still 4 days away... Trade offs are fun, but the grass is deceptive! I had fun with my dad and I hope I'm as patient and funny as he was/is. (And hope I never go through a depression like he did) I can say this tho. I have a strong family, all around and I am so glad.