2013

This will not happen
Capeesh!

Darkness

Is my calm serenity.
Silence
This is a language, not meant for words
Feel my movement, understand
Without knowing
Your confirmation is my breathing
My dance was made for consuming

a million faces

A new project

face # 1- finished sketch to be transferred and painted on wood


going to revisit a few other sketches to re-create, then add NEW faces

but who?

A miraculous story

Ima tell you a miraculous story. Some of you already know. The daycare I work for has been on a VERY steep down hill slide, mostly financially, for the past 6 months. It started with a huge drop in enrollment, that was a result of the Federal Gov't cutting funds to needy families for childcare. I can't say I disagree with the gov't move on this one, If the parent is not working, then they do not NEED childcare. Too often I see parents who bring their kids in, and are still in pajamas themselves. Obviously not going anywhere or doing anything. (also Im fine with parents who are in school, getting aid from the system) It's infuriating not only because it irritates me that they are abusing the system, but the child knows that you are just "getting rid of them" for the day. To do whatever, and yea we all need me time, but not at that kind of cost.
anyway. That is what started this financial crisis.
Out of the blue, shortly after that (and after a series of child injuries, and my boss blaming her apathy on "depression") my boss announces that she is leaving town to go live in a city 12 hours away, because that is where her husband found work. She was leaving immediately, practically overnight.
She appointed two of the teachers to be "Directors" and bounced.
Leaving us in a building that was slowly slipping out of code, and a playground that is nearly bare because of code violations, and a dwindling enrollment.
Enrollment continued to drop as more and more parents took their kids to headstart, because it's free. Which hasn't been a problem in past years, but for some reason this year we lost HALF of our pre-K to public schools.
My room remained the same through this BUT, to solve a few problems in another part of the building, my boss took the second teacher out of my room and put her in another room. She then realized that I can do most of the work in my room, alone. And instead of giving me a full time aid, she put a part time aid in my room with me. first she was working 35 hours a week. Then she was working 30 hours, she finally had enough and quite realizing she might never have full time hours. So then I got another aid. who worked 30 hours a week. This is when my enrollment started dropping. Parents where confused by all the changes, and concerned. I have 5 kids on roll right now. The lowest I have ever had, ever.
By the time my enrollment hit 6, my aid was pulled from my room to assist other parts of the building.
I have been alone in my room since august.
I can not leave my room unless I get another teacher to leave her class to watch my kids, OR take my kids with me. which ever is easier. You can imagine the pains in needing to go to the bathroom.
Shortly after that our hours were cut (first week in September) we all had to give up a day a week.
I took fridays
This lasted until mid Nov. then we got them back somehow.
The payday before christmas (friday)
A handfull of our employees had their checks bounce.
Then we had an unpaid snowday (which was news to us, we usually get paid for snow days)
Then yesterday, we were told we would not be getting a paycheck this week. Due to lack of funds in the payroll account.
We were going to enter a bi-monthly pay system, effective immediately
It's right after christmas, we are all broke, and were expecting a paycheck to pay our rent on the first, which is tuesday.
And now we can't
due to no fault of our own
the miraculous part is that even after ALL OF THIS
we still showed up today
to work
and will still show up monday
even though we know we weren't getting paid today
and there is a high chance we might not get paid next week either
we were there
taking care of the kids

what was really beautiful is our attitudes
thursday we were all in shock, in a panic, sad, and hurt
and today, even though we were still strung out because of the stress and chaos
there was a deep sense of love between the workers.
Like we really cared for each other
Everyone was asking each other if they were ok, and if they got their bills rearranged
and there were a few moments where we would catch each other, just starring into space
lost in thought
and we'd laugh
because there just isn't anything else we can do

Mom

the thing I have noticed about parents is...

that they are alone and hurt and broken and scared

just as much as their children are.

Life doesn't just magically happen, and its NEVER particularly easy

so as christmas winds down into the night

and I think about giving.

I wonder what exactly would I give my parents if I could give them anything

so here it is:

DAD:

I'd give dad a partner. a perfect partner that understood his every move
and loved him unconditionally.

It took me a long time to realize how much my dad loved me, because it took me a long time to understand how he showed his love.

He is a strange bird, my dad. and he needs a strange bird to suite him.
I don't want him to grow old alone.
but he can't be with just anyone.
He needs someone patient, and very understanding.
Someone eccentric but grounded
someone who will love him even when the gnarly parts of his gemini comes out
someone who will give him comfort and stability, a concept that is foreign to him in relationships
preferably this lady would be blonde, and spontaneous, gotta keep him on his toes.
but not so out there that it drives him crazy, well too crazy ;)
that is what I would give my dad.
and then I'd get him a black thunderbird with white walls.
ahhh yea

MOM:

I'd create a world for mom. her perfect world. A perfect house, with nice cars.
a stocked fridge, and a large yard.
a husband for show, and some kids. Two. One boy, one girl. both with brown hair, and brown eyes.
I can picture the whole thing. I'd give her a $$ card, to go shopping with everyday. And her husband would make lots of money so there would be no way for her to max the cards. She wouldn't have to work, so she wouldn't be tempted to steal. She'd have everything she wants and needs.
I would give it to her if I could. She'd have to be watched. and only given limited access to the real world outside of hers. But I think she'd be just fine. in her own world.

Maybe if I am ever famous or in money. I can do these things for my parents.

But until then I will give them what $$ can't buy.
Love

Two years

Two years coming
Fate is not intentional
Two years coming
Solely unconditional
2 years, you knew
But less than ready
And I knew it too
My life, less than steady
2 years I tried
To ignore my thought
Your hands were tied
You couldn't be caught
2 years we spoke
Hiding longing and tears
Trying everything not to choke
This feeling is beyond my fears
I think about 2 years ago
And everything in between
All the places i'd go
All the things I've seen
2 years, your life
All your highs, all your lows
The double edge knife
Life keeps you on your toes
How did we collide in the first place
Why does it seem so free and easy
How did I miss what was in front of my face?
Life finds new ways to tease me
2 years later, now
Your in my inner being
I don't need to keep asking how.
Because I no longer have trouble seeing.

Christmas

My nanny says the damnest things
"Norbert will you please make the adjustment in your head!"
Dad needs his own talk show bc he talks too much. I mean hours!!!
Also...I can't cuss around nanny without her flinching its kinda funny BUT she doesn't flinch When I curse in german....I'm on to you nanny.