fire

http://www.directlyrics.com/alicia-keys-girl-on-fire-lyrics.html

i have a love for alicia.

We all have a fire, it's completely natural to want to

watch

it

burn

Definition

There is a difference between knowing a definition and understanding it. The word today is
Family
I have a huge blood family. Many siblings, many cousins, all over the US. All over Europe. On a side not I have to paint jeebus as an Egyptian. I have so many projects to finish! Back to family... The first family I had was my best friends family, my safe place, when id run away. Then. I had the kronos family. That's my favorite XD. I miss them so much When Michelle died I felt like I lost my mom, a second time. I still care for all of who's left, daily. Many have babies, and are married. Some are in other cities or states. But we have something that can not be stolen. A history, a war. Then I stumbled into a international family , that keeps growing everyday. And even if we get ridiculous, and we will suffer from time to time. We are the alternative. (Obviously I have my favorites)

 Family. Is not what I was told it was. Its much much more.  Fact is I am tribal by nature.

That's not what makes you beautiful

2nd blog for the day.

I can't remember who said it to me. But it was said summer 2010. When I was at a very low spot in my life, after moving twice and being fired 3 times. We all know that story so I will no tell it. I remember I was confiding in someone, whom I can not remember now, all I remember is the amount of respect I had for this individual. I was telling him how bizarre my life had been. How I went from feeling like the ugly duckling of the "family" (my brothers and mother being so pretty) to suddenly modeling and being told I was beautiful on a daily basis. And how awesome and new that was. But I felt the need to be made up, lots of make up, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails. I sat with this man (who i feel was a lot older than me) telling him I didn't feel pretty anymore. My hair was short again, my acne was terrible, I never did my make up, and my nails where short and chipped. That is when he said "Charley, That is NOT what makes you beautiful. Your beauty comes from somewhere else."

All I remember is being stunned. shocked. offended. I felt at the time he was telling me that the make-up wasn't beautiful, or that I did not have outter beauty just inner. etc. etc. But about a month later, it set in. I knew what he meant, I can feel what he meant. I started to wear less and less makeup on the regular, I grew my hair out

21 years

I am out of breath. Thinking

thinking

thinking.
I breathe. like I have never consumed air.
It's slightly painful, but delicious.

It's not the sense of being reborn, my life was simply continued as this.

I know why I am here.
it has taken 21 years to figure it out, and now I hear you loud and clear.

this is why I came back, this is why I did it. On my death bed, staring into the universe.

play it out.

I feel life's pain, draining out of my soul. it's a chill, that pours out of my pores. like my heart is melting away. This is the fire within

i have fire in my soul
and I know you see it too.

no..i know you feel it too, because honestly so do you.
I'm here to light the fire, run with me. dance with me.

I was made to hurt, to hurt, and to cry. to suffer then to die.

only to come back, and fight.
to fight through the idea of social expectations, to be living proof that you can survive desperation

I'm still standing. After life's abuse and torment. After neglect and starvation



after death

I'm still standing
At this time, this day, this year.
I am here

2012

Words

I don't have them. This is....

Strange <3

O

I don't know what you hope to find. That's ok idk wat I am looking for

U remind me

Of eeyore from winnie the pooh.
Because you have big droopy eyes

Of ville bc of your stylish hat Of corgan because of your presence Of peter because of your voice Of wayne bc of you precision Of dakinis because of your peace Also you look like one of my drawings, my style, developed organically, by my young brain. Consisting of big eyes, big head, and prominent nostrils. Do not be offended because I find them beautiful. But also, virgo, you remind me of the two people who broke my heart Even when I said never again...here I am