born with the troubles of a 20-something man
the shame and the pride
the questions
and the desire to hide.
the need to be seen
a world in which we can confide
a world in which I have never been.
in running there is freedom
there is change
there is chance
in running I found vitality
learning the ropes
making my own reality
The strength doesn't last
to stay keen
you gotta move fast
Eventually you will find
something that will ground you
at first you won't mind
it's something you cling to
the world doesn't lie
it is just full of people
who don't know what they are doing or why...
Even if they tried
even if you pleaded
even if you cried
not everyone is born knowing
not everyone will understand
the secrets are not worth showing
oblivion is the upper hand
I'm only a catalyst.
I am built to take on the troubles of other
I am suppose to be able to take it
somehow I am suppose to keep standing
but the weight of hundreds of years of troubles weighs heavy
And keeps getting heavier.
20 some years at birth
20 some years after birth
55 years accrued
45 years abused
31 years used
20 some years lost
20 some years confused
40 some years mused
I need to shed a few pounds
I need a lift
because these troubles weigh heavy.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Once
I had a friend
Who didn't listen
Who never cared
Raised to be a sensitive soul
No rough skin on her body
She had been to the fire
But never was burned
Every time she tried to touch the flame
Someone was there to put it out
I've sat in the fire
I've let it burn my soul
I lived in that fire
It took everything
One thing I learned though
That fire can't burn love
I'll take my real problems
Over someone else's made up problems
Who didn't listen
Who never cared
Raised to be a sensitive soul
No rough skin on her body
She had been to the fire
But never was burned
Every time she tried to touch the flame
Someone was there to put it out
I've sat in the fire
I've let it burn my soul
I lived in that fire
It took everything
One thing I learned though
That fire can't burn love
I'll take my real problems
Over someone else's made up problems
The Science of memory
I found this article.
http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-memories-of-childhood/
I find all aspects of the human brain to be fascinating. But memory and recollection is near the top of the most amazing, and bizarre functions our brain does.
Personally, I can remember age 3-6 pretty extensively. I have one solid memory of being 2 (more like 2.5). After age 6, I can remember where I lived, some of my friends, details about my room (up until about age 11) And so on. But I don't seem to have very specific memories in the volume I have them as a young child. I remember specific events, such as my 6th birthday and having 2 cakes. And lil ceasars pizza. Being 5 and playing polypocket in the tub with my brother, playing in the pool with my brother, kindergarten, the playground at school, my creepy basement room, my dolls, all my board games, a jack in the box that scared me, a pair of red sparkly shoes I adored, a pair of pink heart shaped sunglasses. At age 4 I remember loosing a shoe at the mall, going into a haunted house and needing to be passed through a tiny window back into the real world, the birth of my brother, my babysitter. Age three i remember potty training, barney hair clips I hated, A visit to the emergency room (that might have been when I was 4) but I didn't rememeber WHY we were at the emergency room. I assumed it was because Mom had blacked out again. I remember her blacking out often. I remember her blacking out once while she was painting my nails red. I remember that house too. That was when I was 5 I believe. Because I was also in Piano, violin, dance, and gymnastics! I was in gymnastics when I was 3. I remember that. I remember the chalk I'd put on my hands. Back to the emergency room memory. I remember being in a gown, and having a hospital bracelet and being hooked up to some machine. I still don't know why I was hooked up to the machine. But Apparently I had pushed myself up onto the edge of the balcony, that had a chunk of jagged wood sticking out. And in the processes of pushing or pulling myself up on that ledge, It cut open my belly. I have a scar running from my crotch to my bellybutton. That is at least the story i got. My family doesn't much tell the truth, and I wasn't living under my real name at the time, so there are no medical records to find. (I thought I would be filed under charley johnson, and I might have been but somehow I had a different SS#, and any information on Charley Johnson they have, they can not release to me.) I called every hospital Near Spokecan Washington. So I somehow blocked out the memory of getting injured, but Remember the hospital enough to know, I had a gown, a bracelet and was hooked up to some machine. word
Anywho. I have this rich collection of memories from age 6 and before. Then it kinda fades to grey. I remember my 7th birthday, not anything that happened, just that it was a chuckeecheese. I remember the flight from montana to virginia. I remember having a doll on my lap, and I remember my brother crying at the boarding platform. That is a memory that is burned into my mind.
I remember being 7 more clearly than being 9 10 or 11, but not as much as I remember being 5. A lot of my 7 year old memories are accompanied by pictures, or the person I had the memory with. So it is easier to remember. But how is it that I can clearly remember a life I had, on the other side of the country, with a whole different family, whom I've had little to no connection with since? But my life afterward is a pretty big dark cloud? I know from the age 9-13 I had a very ignorant step mother, who made my life unbearable. So I can figure that I blocked most of that out to keep it away from me. Occasionally I will sit and recall certain events, and the entire thing comes flooding back, but that is never fun. BUT that is crazy right? If I sit down and think, I can pull old memories from the pits of my mind. Think about that. That is crazy. Memories I have burried, are never actually gone. SO MAYBE I can pull the memory of my accident out someday. If I can remember every little detail about my abusive step mother, (like the gaps in her teeth, or nail bitting habit) then surely I can remember my accident. Somehow.
Maybe that is how I can remember being 3 so clearly. Maybe when i left I pondered on those memories so much that they stuck. (we have a pretty solid 2 year memory span, so If I left when I was 7, my 5 year old memories where still very active and very present. So naturally a little digging would pull up my 3 year old memories) PLUS everything changed so much during that time, that I am sure its easier to remember due to relativity . Where all memories age 11-13 are a huge globby mess.
Enough rambling, but this is something I hope I can study one day, and apply to child psychology. Maybe this idea can revolutionary teaching method. (thinks about germany's school system... germans know psychology)
http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-memories-of-childhood/
I find all aspects of the human brain to be fascinating. But memory and recollection is near the top of the most amazing, and bizarre functions our brain does.
Personally, I can remember age 3-6 pretty extensively. I have one solid memory of being 2 (more like 2.5). After age 6, I can remember where I lived, some of my friends, details about my room (up until about age 11) And so on. But I don't seem to have very specific memories in the volume I have them as a young child. I remember specific events, such as my 6th birthday and having 2 cakes. And lil ceasars pizza. Being 5 and playing polypocket in the tub with my brother, playing in the pool with my brother, kindergarten, the playground at school, my creepy basement room, my dolls, all my board games, a jack in the box that scared me, a pair of red sparkly shoes I adored, a pair of pink heart shaped sunglasses. At age 4 I remember loosing a shoe at the mall, going into a haunted house and needing to be passed through a tiny window back into the real world, the birth of my brother, my babysitter. Age three i remember potty training, barney hair clips I hated, A visit to the emergency room (that might have been when I was 4) but I didn't rememeber WHY we were at the emergency room. I assumed it was because Mom had blacked out again. I remember her blacking out often. I remember her blacking out once while she was painting my nails red. I remember that house too. That was when I was 5 I believe. Because I was also in Piano, violin, dance, and gymnastics! I was in gymnastics when I was 3. I remember that. I remember the chalk I'd put on my hands. Back to the emergency room memory. I remember being in a gown, and having a hospital bracelet and being hooked up to some machine. I still don't know why I was hooked up to the machine. But Apparently I had pushed myself up onto the edge of the balcony, that had a chunk of jagged wood sticking out. And in the processes of pushing or pulling myself up on that ledge, It cut open my belly. I have a scar running from my crotch to my bellybutton. That is at least the story i got. My family doesn't much tell the truth, and I wasn't living under my real name at the time, so there are no medical records to find. (I thought I would be filed under charley johnson, and I might have been but somehow I had a different SS#, and any information on Charley Johnson they have, they can not release to me.) I called every hospital Near Spokecan Washington. So I somehow blocked out the memory of getting injured, but Remember the hospital enough to know, I had a gown, a bracelet and was hooked up to some machine. word
Anywho. I have this rich collection of memories from age 6 and before. Then it kinda fades to grey. I remember my 7th birthday, not anything that happened, just that it was a chuckeecheese. I remember the flight from montana to virginia. I remember having a doll on my lap, and I remember my brother crying at the boarding platform. That is a memory that is burned into my mind.
I remember being 7 more clearly than being 9 10 or 11, but not as much as I remember being 5. A lot of my 7 year old memories are accompanied by pictures, or the person I had the memory with. So it is easier to remember. But how is it that I can clearly remember a life I had, on the other side of the country, with a whole different family, whom I've had little to no connection with since? But my life afterward is a pretty big dark cloud? I know from the age 9-13 I had a very ignorant step mother, who made my life unbearable. So I can figure that I blocked most of that out to keep it away from me. Occasionally I will sit and recall certain events, and the entire thing comes flooding back, but that is never fun. BUT that is crazy right? If I sit down and think, I can pull old memories from the pits of my mind. Think about that. That is crazy. Memories I have burried, are never actually gone. SO MAYBE I can pull the memory of my accident out someday. If I can remember every little detail about my abusive step mother, (like the gaps in her teeth, or nail bitting habit) then surely I can remember my accident. Somehow.
Maybe that is how I can remember being 3 so clearly. Maybe when i left I pondered on those memories so much that they stuck. (we have a pretty solid 2 year memory span, so If I left when I was 7, my 5 year old memories where still very active and very present. So naturally a little digging would pull up my 3 year old memories) PLUS everything changed so much during that time, that I am sure its easier to remember due to relativity . Where all memories age 11-13 are a huge globby mess.
Enough rambling, but this is something I hope I can study one day, and apply to child psychology. Maybe this idea can revolutionary teaching method. (thinks about germany's school system... germans know psychology)
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